


even if we can't find heaven (i'll walk through hell with you)

by Thatoneloser_kid



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: F/F, Post-Game, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:01:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24953458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatoneloser_kid/pseuds/Thatoneloser_kid
Summary: Set after the game, where Ellie heads back to Jackson but she has a lot to work through.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 51
Kudos: 558





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had to write this, it has been playing on my mind since I finished the game.
> 
> i'm also planning on fic based on the song 'we danced ' by Brad Paisley.

Ellie wasn't at all surprised when she got back to the farm and it was empty and dusty, when Dina said she couldn't do this again Ellie believed her. 

That doesn't mean she wasn't heart broken when she entered the quiet building, when she walked into their shared room and everything was gonna bar her stuff and a single pillow. 

She knew where Dina would be, she would have gone back to Jackson to be with her family, her friends, she probably assumed Ellie was dead, after how everything went down the first time with Abby, how she had so easily overpowered Ellie. 

Ellie probably should be dead, would be if Abby had actually fought her back.

Ellie debated her next move, whether she wanted to go back to Jackson or just take off on her own. But she had been on her own, and these past few months had been torture. But then again, she didn’t want to intrude on Dina, who was no doubt trying to get on with her life without Ellie. 

Ellie decided to head back to Jackson for now, and see how it went.

She held her hands up as she reached the gate, knowing full well there would be at least three guns trained on her.

“Holy shit, that’s Ellie.” a voice called. “Open the gate, dude, it’s Ellie.”

The gate screeched as it opened, and Ellie was met with Jordan, a girl she had grown up with in Jackson.

“Fuck, Ellie, we thought you were dead.” Jordan sighed, wrapping her up in a hug. “When Dina came back without you-”

Ellie pulled back, offering the girl a tired smile. 

“You look exhausted, and like you haven’t eaten in months. Come in, Harry is already off getting Maria and Tommy.”

Ellie shook her head. “Not Tommy,” Ellie said, because if she clapped eyes on him right now she might just finish what Abby had started.

Jordan looked surprised, but nodded. “Okay,” she nodded, turning to one of the new recruits to her left, speaking quietly. “Go make sure it is only Maria.”

“Sure thing,” The young boy agreed, before taking off.

“Come on, they can meet us at Joel’s old place.” 

“It’s still free?”

“Maria kinda always held up hope you’d be back. She was originally keeping it there until you took it all to the farm, but then she just hoped you’d come back here after Dina showed up.” Jordan explained, taking Ellie’s backpack from her as they walked toward her old home. “I don’t think anyone else did.”

“I’m not surprised, I wasn’t even sure I’d make it back.” Ellie admitted.

“Dina is probably at home, I can get her for you.”

“No, don’t.” Ellie shook her head, groaning as she walked up the steps to Joel’s place. 

Jordan looked curious, but didn’t ask, helping Ellie up the steps and into the house, setting Ellie down on the sofa, dropping her backpack by her feet.

“I’ll go get you some actual food.” Jordan said, eyeing Ellie for a second, and Ellie could  _ feel  _ the pity. “Maria shouldn’t be long.”

“Thanks, Jordan.”

Jordan gave her shoulder a little squeeze before leaving.

Ellie covered her face with her hands, elbows on her knees as she fought back the urge to cry, to scream, to destroy the house, to  _ kill  _ Tommy.

“Hey, kid.”

Ellie rubbed her face roughly before lifting her eyes to Maria, who moved to sit on the sofa beside her. 

“Oh, sweetheart.” she sighed, pulling Ellie in for a hug, and Ellie broke down then, clutching Maria’s shirt as she sobbed against her chest. “I’m so sorry, kid. He shouldn’t have put this on you, he should have just let it go.”

“It wasn’t just him, I wanted this, too.” Ellie sobbed. “I gave up everything for this.”

“He shouldn’t have come to you that day, I warned him that if he did we were over. Dina told me how it went down, he is a bastard.”

Ellie took in a shaky breath as she straightened, wiping her face with her sleeves. “How is she, and JJ? Is she happy?”

“Of course she isn’t, Ellie.” Maria sighed. “She puts on a brave face for JJ but she isn’t happy.”

“I probably shouldn’t be here, I don’t want to make that worse.” Ellie could feel herself panic, she knew word about Ellie being back would reach Dina within the hour. “I should go, I can stay at the farm, or- or just leave, but it isn’t fair-”

“Dina is mad at you, rightfully so, but she would  _ not  _ want you out there alone.” Maria said, taking a hold of Ellie’s face in an attempt to calm her. “This is a large city, kid, you can stay out of the way of each other.”

Ellie sighed shakily, wringing her hands together. “How is JJ?”

“A pain, in a way only a four year old can be.” Maria smiled. “Please stay, Ellie. I know you think you don’t have anything to stay for but it is  _ safe  _ here, people here want you to stay.”

Ellie didn’t believe her in the slightest, she  _ saw  _ how Dina had looked at her while begging her to stay, she knew Dina probably wouldn’t want her to stay, but she agreed anyway, knowing she could leave at any time, anyway.

“Okay, I will set you up with some stuff, bring over food and some clothes. Just let me know when you’re ready to get back to work, we can set you up in the stables, then with patrols.”

Ellie nodded, offering Maria a little smile.

She ate half of the food Jordan brought her before curling up on Joel’s old bed, wrapped up in Joel’s old shirt, trying to give herself some semblance of comfort.

She woke up twice that night with panic attacks.

\--

Ellie didn’t leave her house for two weeks, too afraid of running into Dina, or Jesse's parents, or Tommy.

She knew people knew she was back, there would be some sort of gift waiting for her on the porch every morning when she went outside to sit and drink coffee (she  _ hated  _ it, but it made her feel closer to Joel, since she couldn’t really play guitar anymore).

The first time she left the house was to go to the stables, but something about it triggered something, and she had to rush home before she had a panic attack right there. 

She spent the rest of the night trying to pull herself out of that panic attack, a different memory flashing through her mind with every sound from outside. 

The second time she left the house, three days after that, went marginally better, but only because Maria was with her. They wandered aimlessly around the compound, neither one speaking, and, for some reason, that made Ellie feel a little better. 

\--

"I'm sorry," Ellie said one night, sitting on the porch with Maria. 

Maria frowned. "For what?" 

"I started this," Ellie looked down at the alcohol in her hands. "I was the one who went to Tommy about going after then, Tommy only went out there so I wouldn't."

"That's not true." Maria said. "Tommy had already planned on going after them, he was already tracking them, he had his shit packed."

"Really?"

"Yeah, don't take all the blame for this. Or for anything that happened." Maria said. "The start of this? That's on Tommy, you, Dina, you all went out there, it's on  _ all of you _ ."

Ellie tapped her fingernail against her mug. 

"Jesse dying? That's on Jesse for going after you, Tommy being hurt; on him. You going after Abby, losing Dina and JJ, that's on you, but also on him." Maria sighed. "He should  _ not  _ have put all of this on you, Ellie. Dina told me what he said at your place, he was out of line, to put any of this on you."

"I wanted to," Ellie admitted. "Or at least I thought I did, I thought it would help."

"Did it?" 

Ellie slowly shook her head. "The only thing that has ever helped was Dina, JJ, Joel." Ellie swallowed thickly, trying to blink away her tears, a few slipping down her cheeks. "And now I don't have any of those, and it's my own fault."

"Hey, now." Maria whispered, pulling Ellie against her. "Joel was  _ not  _ on you, you tried to save him, but there was nothing you could have done."

"I just keep seeing it, him being murdered. I keep seeing Jesse lying there, or Dina behind hurt." Ellie cried. "I can't stop seeing it."

"I know, kid. It's not easy, you just gotta push through."

"Find something to fight for," Ellie whispered. 

"Exactly." Maria hummed, rubbing her back. 

Ellie wasn't sure what else she had to fight for. 

\--

The first time she went to the diner it was overwhelming. 

As soon as the door swung closed all eyes were on her, and no one turned away, watching her as she moved to the bar, offering Seth a tight lipped smile. "Whiskey, please."

"Sure thing," he agreed. 

Ellie didn't stay long, only having enough to make her past tipsy before she stumbled off her stool and turned to leave, stopping dead when she came face to face with Tommy. 

"Ellie," 

Ellie shook her head, "I can't talk to you right now." she said, attempting to move past him but he grabbed her arm. 

Ellie quickly snatched her arm back, pushing Tommy away, causing him to stumble. 

"Don't fucking touch me." She snapped. 

"You can't avoid me forever."

"If I don't I might kill you," Ellie practically snarled, ignoring that fact that everyone was watching her. "I lost  _ everything  _ because of you."

"You wanted this just as much as I did, you wanted to avenge Joel." 

Ellie had him pinned against a nearby table in a heartbeat, blade to his throat. Tommy watched her carefully, hands up in surrender. "I thought I did. But Joel wanted me to be happy, I was  _ happy,  _ but you put doubt in my mind, you made me believe killing her would make me feel better."

"Joel would have wanted you to kill her."

"No he wouldn't have," Ellie argued, pressing the blade a little harder, drawing blood. "You didn't know him, all he wanted was for me to be happy, he saved me from the fireflies so that  _ I could be happy. _ "

Tommy eyed her shaking hand. "Killing me would make you happy?" 

"Only one way to find out." Ellie growled, she had no real intention of killing him, but she was still glad that Jordan appeared then, acting quickly to pull Ellie back. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you people?" she snapped, glaring at the onlookers around the barn. 

"You did the right thing, Ellie." Tommy said, and Ellie gave a wicked smile. 

"I didn't kill her." She said, getting an odd sense of joy at the dark look Tommy gave her as she was being dragged out. 

"Jesus, Ellie, are you trying to get kicked out." She said, pushing Ellie a few steps in front of her.

“He’s an asshole.” Ellie snapped, her voice quivering, her heart thundering in her chest, she knew what was coming. She had gotten good at sensing panic attacks.

“Hey,” Jordan’s voice was soft, as she stepped closer, taking ahold of Ellie’s upper arms. “Let's get you home, hm? Get you some water and food.”

Ellie nodded, allowing Jordan to lead her home, her hands covering her face when she was seated on her sofa, trying her best to level her breathing.

“You know, you can talk to me.” Jordan said, setting Ellie’s water down on the table. “I don’t know what the fuck went down, but it must have been rough.”

“I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“That’s fine,” Jordan hummed, setting about making Ellie a sandwich. “But you just tried to kill Tommy, Ellie, that’s not okay.”

Ellie clenched her jaw, over and over, she wasn’t going to kill him, no matter how much she wanted to. “I wasn’t gonna kill him.”

“The knife against his neck said otherwise.” Jordan laughed quietly, sitting beside Ellie, handing off the food. “It’s good to have you back, Ellie.”

“I don’t know if I will be staying long,”

Jordan nodded, like she understood why, like she got what she had been through. “Well, while you’re around it will be good. When are you going back out on patrols?”

“Soon, maybe.” Ellie shrugged. “Look, Jordan, I don’t wanna be rude-”

“I will fuck off,” Jordan laughed as she stood. “But I’m here, Ellie, whenever you need me.”

Ellie gave her a forced little smile and a nodded, waiting for Jordan to leave before dropping the food onto the table and heading upstairs.

\--

She had been in the compound for a month when she first ran into Dina.

When she couldn’t sleep she liked to wait for everything to close down town before heading down there, walking the quiet streets in what was a usually futile attempt at calming her mind.

It was a warm muggy night, the sky was relatively clear, and Ellie couldn’t really take her eyes off of it, at least until she heard a soft cry to her left, pulling her eyes from the stars.

Dina was in front of the butchers, crouched down in front of a stroller, holding both of JJ’s hands, but her eyes were on Ellie.

Ellie didn’t really know what to do, how to react, and she almost took off running, but then Dina slowly stood. “I was wondering how long it would be before I saw you.”

For some reason that hurt more that it would have it Dina had just walked away, because she sounded  _ disappointed  _ to see her. Ellie looked down at her feet, fingers playing with her ear. “I can leave.” She said quietly, just barely loud enough for Dina to catch. “I understand if you want me to leave.”

“Maria was right, it’s a big compound, we won't see each other often.” Dina said, her hands gripping the handles of the strolled as she turned to leave.

Ellie could feel it building, the pressure in her chest.

Then Dina stopped after a few steps, turning back to Ellie. 

“Did you do it?” she asked. “I heard about the argument with Tommy, Pa told me you said you didn’t do it.”

“I didn't-I couldn't-" Ellie’s voice quivered, and she knew Dina knew she was teetering on a panic attack. “I found her, I was drowning her and I just... stopped. Joel wouldn't have wanted that, I gave up everything for that moment.”

Dina didn’t seem phased but Ellie’s bordering frantic state. “Did I make you feel better?”

“No,”

“No, it wouldn't,” She snapped, her eyes damp. “Considering you're suffering from  _ PTSD _ , Ellie.”

Ellie stared at her feet for a short while before lifting tearful eyes to Dina. She was cold, closed off, but Ellie saw a flicker of something at her tearful gaze. 

"Can I- is it fixable?” Ellie asked quietly, wringing her fingers together.

“I don't think so, Ellie.” Dina shook her head, her face strained, and Ellie knew she was trying to stop herself from crying.

"I love you,” Ellie said, because what else was she supposed to do? To say?

She saw Dina’s throat wobble, her voice strained. “But that wasn't enough, was it? “

“It was. It so was,” Ellie was crying freely now, in a way she only ever did with Joel and Dina. “but I was stupid, and wanted to find away to stop this hurting, the grieving for Joel. It was stupid, I had everything. An incredible girlfriend, and a perfect kid, our farm, and I threw it all away for something that I  _ knew  _ wouldn't make me feel any better.”

“I  _ told _ you it wouldn’t.” Dina scowled, seemingly not affected at all by the fact Ellie was breaking down in front of her. “I saw you after you made the chick talk, why did you even think anything after that would make you feel better.”

“I just- I thought-” Ellie had rubbed her ear raw at this point, her other arm wrapping around herself. “I thought I needed to avenge Joel, but I now know the best way to honour him would have been to be happy, that’s what he fought so hard for.”

Dina sniffed, rubbing a hand over her face. “Well, I hope you find it, Ellie.”

Dina left then, and Ellie just watched her go, before collapsing against the side wall of the butchers, sliding down it, her forehead to her knees and she attempted to talk herself down.

She had no idea how long she had been there before she felt a soft hand on her shoulder, and when she looked up Jordan was standing over her with a sympathetic smile. “Let’s get home, hm?”

“What are you doing here?”

“Dina called in, bitch woke me up, but she told me you might need someone.”

Ellie hated that that gave her hope.

\--

Maria was wrong about them barely seeing each other.

Ellie saw Dina almost twice a week after that first night, and it didn’t get any easier, but, thankfully, Jordan had taken to spending too much time with her when she was out the house (Ellie wasn’t sure if it was off her own back or if Maria had asked her to do it), so she was able to steer her away so that she could have a panic attack in the comfort of her own home.

The first time they had any semblance of a normal conversation it was six months since she arrived, and the anniversary of Joel’s death.

Ellie had spent most of the day by his grave, sitting just in front of it, just talking, telling him lame jokes she had learned, telling him all of the ways she fucked up.

“How do you make holy water?” Ellie said, a sad little noise somewhere between a sob and a laugh escaping her lips. “You boil the hell out of it.”

A little chuckle from behind her startled her, but she didn’t turn around, because she knew exactly who it was, and she couldn’t see her right now.

“Jokes are still lame.” Dina teased.

“That was a good one,” Ellie managed to force out a laugh, her chin resting on her knees as tears rolled down her cheeks.

“If you say so.” Dina said, moving to place flowers on Joel’s grave, the same ones Ellie had seen when she first arrived back, that had been continuously placed there.

“You come here often?”

“Jesse’s too,” Dina nodded, standing beside Ellie. “I like to keep them well maintained, it is therapeutic for me.”

Ellie nodded, wiping her face with the sleeve of her hoodie. “Why those ones?” she motioned to the flowers.

“They’re bluebonnets,” She explained. “Joel used to tell me about Texas, all the great things about it, how amazing it was. Those are the state flower.”

“Where did you find them?”

“Joel did, years ago on patrol, he gave me them to grow, said they were pretty. I never did plant them, not until-” Dina shook her head, bringing a hand up to wipe her eyes. “ _ I  _ hurt right now because I miss him, I can't imagine how you are feeling.”

“I’m sorry,” Ellie said quietly, gently batting her knuckles against her palm as she looked up at Dina. “For everything.”

Dina nodded as she stared at Joel’s tombstone. “I know you are.”

Ellie couldn’t tell from the tone of her voice if that was a good or a bad thing.

\--

Dina was ever so slightly less cold after that, instead of avoiding her eye completely, she would nod in greeting whenever they passed each other in town, there was never a smile, or words exchanged, but it wasn’t the cold shoulder, so it was something.


	2. Chapter 2

The first time she was allowed anywhere near JJ was a year into her stay in Jackson.

They had ran into each other by accident, the compound was relatively quiet, since it was late and freezing cold. Ellie could tell immediately Dina was panicking.

“Are you okay?” She asked, starting Dina.

“No, I- everyone is out, and my mom is in the medbay, and I don't wanna take JJ there, but I don’t-”

“I can look after him,” Ellie offered, and Dina stopped dead, looking at the five year old in her arms. 

“I don’t know if that's a good idea.”

“It will only be for a while,” Ellie reasoned, “I can bring him to you in the morning, or you can come get him.”

Dina looked unsure, weighing up her options before realising she didn’t really have much choice. “Fine, but I will come get him later tonight.”

“Okay,” Ellie nodded with a little smile.

“I- This isn’t forgiveness, Ellie, I don’t have a choice.”

Ellie nodded, trying to keep the heartbreak off her face. “I know, Dina.”

Dina nodded stiffly. “Good,” 

Dina still seemed reluctant as she crouched down beside him, pulling his jacket a little tighter around the boy. 

"I need to go see nana for a while, are you okay to go with Ellie?" 

The boy lifted his eyes to Ellie, and Ellie found herself smiling at him, but there was a twisting in her chest, because this was Spud, this was the kid she cared for for the first year of his life. 

He eyed her for a short while, before nodding, moving from his mom to Ellie, pointing to her bare arms. 

"Aren't you cold?" he asked.

"Nah, I run hot." Ellie smiled, crouching down beside him. 

"Momma said you need ta bundle up when it snows." JJ said, tentatively touching Ellie's arm. "You feel cold."

Ellie smiled at the boy as he turned to his mother with a serious expression. 

"Momma, do you have a jacket?" 

"I'm okay, bud, really." Ellie assured, tentatively lifting her eyes to Dina, who was watching them with sad eyes, her hand over her mouth. 

She forced a smile onto her lips when she realised JJ was looking at her, but Ellie could see the way her eyes sparkled with tears.

"You guys are about to head back to Ellie's now, I'm sure she will be fine."

JJ nodded, but there was still a concerned little frown on his brow as he tugged Ellie's arm. 

"Let's go, before you turn into a snowman." JJ insisted, and Ellie lifted her eyes to Dina, who nodded slightly. 

"I'll be back in a few hours." Dina assured, as JJ dragged Ellie away. "Behave, JJ." 

"Okay, Momma." he called without looking back, but Ellie did, giving Dina what she hoped was a reassuring smile. 

As soon as they got in Ellie set about starting a fire, allowing JJ to help, which he was more than willing to do, his eyes wide with wonder as Ellie let him put the kindling in the fireplace, and strike the fire striker, a little gasp escaping his lips when a ember caught. 

"Okay, now just blow lightly on it." Ellie said, and JJ blew, of course a little too hard, cause it to extinguish. 

He looked disappointed but Ellie laughed softly.

"Don't worry, bud, your momma was awful at starting fires, too." She said. "Let's give it another try."

They got the fire started, and Ellie set about making dinner, while JJ sat on the counter, babbling away about everything and anything; from making a snowman to how his nana had been throwing up a whole lot. 

They ate, and JJ just didn't stop talking, but Ellie didn't want him too, just staring in wonder at the fact this hyperactive, talkative little boy was Spud. 

After they had eaten Ellie set a small fire in the firepit outside before heading out, wrapping JJ up in a blanket, and, at first, he was on the comfortable seat beside Ellie while Ellie played the guitar, that she was attempting to teach herself how to play left handed. 

And JJ just watched, his elbows on his knees, chubby cheeks in his hands, his eyes wide, a little smile on his lips. 

But then he started getting sleepy, and Ellie hadn't expected him to clamber onto her lap, ordering her to keep playing like it was that easy with a child on your lap, but Ellie gave it her best effort. 

He was snoring away within ten minutes. 

When Dina came back to pick up JJ he was still asleep in Ellie's lap, wrapped up on a blanket as they both sat on Joel's old chair on the porch, Ellie absentmindedly picking Joel's guitar. 

Ellie looked up at the footsteps, not missing the yearning look on Dina's face at the sight before her. 

"Hey," Ellie greeted quietly. "How is she?"

Dina moved to stand against the railing, and Ellie slowly stood, placing a still sleeping JJ in the chair before moving to stand alongside her. 

Dina didn't speak for a long time. "She's dying, Ellie."

"Dina," Ellie sighed, moving toward Dina, who quickly took a step back, shaking her head. 

"No. The only thing that has ever made me feel better when I feel like this is  _ you.  _ I can't be around you right now, or I will end up doing something stupid." Dina sniffed, her cheeks tearstained.

"I'm sorry," Ellie took a few large steps backwards, staring at her feet. 

"I don't know how to be around you anymore. I want nothing more to just forgive you, but my heart wont let me. I have to protect myself, protect him." Dina motioned toward JJ. "He was restless for months after you left, Ellie. I wasn't the only one who lost you."

Ellie didn't know what to say to that. 

"He  _ never _ just goes with people, Ellie." Dina stressed. "And he practically dragged you away today, without even a glance back."

"I didn't--he just wanted to get me out of the cold." Ellie offered lamely. 

"Yeah," Dina shook her head, resting her elbows against the railing and covering her face with her hands. 

Ellie watched her carefully, and after a few seconds her shoulders started shaking. 

Ellie was unsure of what to do next, slowly moving closer, placing a tentative hand on Dina's back. 

She had honestly expected to be shoved off, and she was, Dina whirling around to punch Ellie's shoulder. "I'm so fucking mad at you," she snapped, hitting her again, and Ellie took it, taking a step back at the force, but Dina stepped forward. "You fucking left us, you  _ left." _

Ellie took the next few hits, while Dina practically yelled at her, but still keeping her voice low enough to not wake JJ. 

"You're a fucker, Ellie. We were happy. We were so  _ happy _ ."

Ellie wrapped her arms around Dina then, and she struggled at first, but eventually collapsed against Ellie. 

"We were happy," her voice was muffled by Ellie's shirt, and she gave one last feeble punch before she was sobbing. 

Ellie rubbed her back, a few of her own tears slipping down her cheeks. 

"I'm sorry, Dina." Ellie breathed. "I'm so sorry."

"She can't die, Ellie. I need her, Pa needs her."

"She's a strong lady, Dina."

"You haven't seen her." Dina shook her head. "They think it's cancer. With how it's going right now, how she is deteriorating, they don't think she has more than a few months."

"I'm sorry, Dina." 

Dina pushed back then, wiping at her face and sniffing. "I gotta go."

Ellie watched as Dina picked up JJ, holding him against her chest. 

"If you ever need help again, I-" 

"I don't think that's a good idea," Dina said as she passed Ellie, leaving without another word. 

It wasn't until Ellie headed back inside a short while later that she realised his little Elephant was sitting on the sofa. 

\--

Ellie was sitting on the porch the following morning, coffee in one hand and the elephant in the other. 

She was so focused on the stuffed toy, rubbing the material with her thumb, that she didn't even hear Dina walk up the stairs. 

"Is that coffee?"

Ellie jumped, spilling some of the coffee on her hand, making her hiss. "Jesus, why are you creeping around?"

"I wasn't," 

"I- yeah, it's coffee."

"I thought you hated coffee?" Dina frowned. 

"I do, I just makes me feel closer to Joel." Ellie shrugged, placing her mug on the deck and standing, offering the stuffed toy to Dina. 

"Ah, exactly what I'm here for." She said, accepting the toy. "He has been fussy all morning, he wanted to come over with me, he had a lot of fun last night."

Ellie nodded, and Dina stared down at the toy thoughtfully. 

"He also told me what you said, about me being useless at starting fires."

Ellie laughed softly, but it sounded strained, even to her own ears. "Well, it's true."

"I've gotten better, actually."

"Well, JJ is a natural."

"Yeah, he told me you let him help out." Dina said, finally looking up at Ellie. 

"Do you not?" Ellie questioned unsurely. 

"No, though he does always ask." Dina answered. 

"I'm sorry, I just thought-" 

"No, it's fine, he probably should learn." Dina waved her hand dismissively. "Look, Ellie, I'm sorry about last night."

"No," Ellie frowned, twisting her ear as she shook her head. "It's fine. You were upset."

Dina nodded slowly. "I'd better get this back before he heads to school. Thank you, for last night."

Ellie nodded. "Sure."

Dina offered an awkward smile, motioning over her shoulder with the toy before leaving, and Ellie just watched her go, so much she wanted to say, but she knew it wouldn't be fair. 

\--

Maria stopped by later that day, telling her she had made her an appointment with Pat, the resident psychiatric. 

Ellie initially shot her down, but when Maria told her that  _ showing  _ Dina that she was actively trying the better herself might work in her favor, Ellie was all in. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think?  
> thatoneloser-kid.tumblr.com

Things got a little tougher after that because JJ apparently wanted to be Ellie's new best friend. 

Any time her clapped eyes of her he would rush over, sometimes throwing himself into her arms, sometimes bouncing on his toes as he told her whatever story he had been dying to share. 

With him came Dina, who let it happen, purely for her son, and as the weeks wore on Dina looked more and more exhausted. 

Ellie dreaded the day it all came to ahead.

It was three weeks later that word reached her that Dina's mother had died the night before. 

Funerals weren't big in the compound, the dead were usually buried by the end of the night, so Ellie knew she was probably already buried, but there was most likely a wake at the diner. 

Ellie debated showing face, while Dina had been cold with her since she got back, her parents were always kind, always asking her how she was, always giving her their time whenever she saw them, even if she did completely shatter their daughters heart. 

She wasn't sure Dina would want her there, but she figured if she didn't she would tell her to leave. 

The diner was packed when she got there, and Ellie spotted Dina, her face puffy and red, her smile sad, but she decided against going to her, afraid she would make her feel worse. 

It just so happened that Dina's dad caught her on the way to the bar. 

"Ellie," he smiled sadly, pulling her into a hug. "Thank you for coming."

"I just found out," she said. 

"Just don't say you're sorry," he said, and Ellie had to admire how brave of a face he was putting on. She knew it was for Dina and JJ. "I'm so sick of hearing that."

Ellie laughed awkwardly, glancing down at her feet. 

"She might not talk to you," he said. "But she will be glad you're here."

Ellie just nodded. "Can I get you a drink?" 

He nodded. "Two whiskeys, and come join me. I need to talk to someone who won't pussyfoot around me. 

Ellie laughed, a real one this time. "Be right back."

Ellie had a few drinks with Elijah before JJ spotted her. 

He clambered onto her lap, significantly less bouncy than Ellie was used so, instead cuddling up to her chest, asking her questions about the comic books she had told him about. 

Ellie ended up rushing home to get them, and she and JJ spent the night tucked away in the corner reading them. 

She was worried she was overstepping, but Dina gave her a tearful, thankful smile, and that eased whatever anxiety she had. 

Most of the wake had filtered out, leaving only a few regulars sitting at the bar, when Elijah came over, smiling at them. "Come on, kiddo, time to head home."

"But we didn't finish," JJ pouted. 

"You can take them with you." Ellie stuffed the comics into the backpack offering it to JJ, who's eyes went wide. 

"Really?" 

"Yeah, and once you finish those I have loads more I can give you."

"Thank you," JJ wrapped his arms tightly around her neck, before hopping off the seat and rushing to Dina, dragging the heavy backpack behind him. "Momma, look."

"Thank you, Ellie." Elijah said. "For keeping him busy, for giving him those, he will really appreciate it."

"Of course, I've read them all, anyway."

JJ left with her grandfather a few minutes later, giving Ellie a huge, gap toothed smile as he went. 

Ellie stayed for a few more drinks, trying and failing to keep her eyes off of Dina, who was sitting at the bar with Jesse's mother, making her way through what was probably a bottle of whiskey between them. 

Ellie got up after draining the last of her glass, leaving quietly. 

She had just shucked on her jacket when the door behind her opened. 

"You're jus' leavin' without saying g'bye?" Ellie stopped dead at Dina's slurred voice. 

"I didn't think you would want me to come over."

"I didn't. I mean-" Dina shook her head, wrapping her arms around herself. 

"Here," Ellie quickly slipped her jacket off, wrapping it around Dina's shoulders before she could argue. 

Dina pulled it tighter around herself, her nose buried in the collar. 

"You should go inside, it's freezing."

Dina shook her head. "'M headin' home."

"Do you--I can walk you back, if you'd like?" 

Dina nodded, and began walking in the general direction of her home. Ellie walked wordlessly beside her, keeping her attention on Dina, who was very unsteady on her feet. 

They reached Dina's place first, Ellie stopped outside, expecting Dina to just head inside without a word. 

Instead, Dina turned to her, staring at her with bleary eyes, but there was something, an intensity that Ellie knew. 

She didn't get the chance to back off, or say anything before Dina was kissing her, her arms wrapped tightly around Ellie's neck. 

It took a few seconds for Ellie to react, but when she did she tore her lips away. "Dina," 

But Dina didn't listen, instead reconnecting their lips. 

"Dina, stop," Ellie pushed her away, Dina's hands gripping tightly onto her cheeks. 

"Fuck me, Ellie." Dina said, attempting to kiss her again, but Ellie quickly moved away, holding Dina at arms length. 

"I can't do that."

"Why not?" Dina snapped, her eyes dark, a scowl on her face. "You want to, don't you, you still love me, right?" 

Ellie knew her heartbreak was written all over her face. "You're being cruel."

Dina stopped pushing, instead collapsing into Ellie's arms, sobbing. "I can't- Ellie, please."

Ellie had no idea what Dina was asking for, so she just held her close, arms tight around the girl. 

"My mom is dead, Ellie."

Ellie tightened her grip, not bothering to whisper all the bullshit she'd been told after Joel. She let Dina cry against her chest, essentially holding the girl up when her legs buckled. 

"Can I take you inside?" Ellie whispered, and Dina nodded. 

But she made no attempt to move, so Ellie scooped her up into her arms and headed inside. 

She placed Dina down in her bed when she spotted one of Ellie's sketches framed on her dresser, the one of her, Dina and JJ. 

"I can't  _ trust  _ you, Ellie." Dina whispered, her face against her pillow, Ellie's back to her. "You were going to sneak out in the middle of the night, how am I supposed to trust you?" 

"I would like to work on that. But not tonight, or soon, because you said it yourself, you don't want to do something stupid." Ellie's voice broke at those words, and she didn't turn around, knowing she would probably break down completely if she looked at Dina right now. "But when you are in a better state of mind, and if you would like me to, I would like to build up that trust again."

"I don't know if you can."

"I would still like to try," Ellie said quietly. "Goodnight, Dina."

Ellie quickly grabbed Dina a glass of water, setting it on her bedside table, her eyes lingering on the passed out girl for a short while before leaving. 

\--

Ellie wasn't surprised that Dina avoided her after that night, JJ was always happy to see her, rushing over to tell her about the comic Dina had read to him the night before, but Dina barely even looked at her during the exchange. 

She was back almost two years when she finally went to Maria to get out back on patrols. 

Maria just grinned widely at her, and the next day she was on rota to patrol for the following day to patrol a nearby town. 

It was just for the day, but Ellie was just happy to get out of the compound. 

These one day patrols lasted for about a month, then she requested more, and by the end of the second month she was scheduled for a week long patrol to a city on the border of Wyoming and Idaho for supplies.

Thankfully she was on that patrol with Jordan, she wasn't sure she could deal with anyone else right now. 

She was just heading down to the gate when JJ came running over to her. "Ellie. Ellie." he called, almost stumbling past her in his haste, but Ellie was fast enough to catch him by his hoodie. 

"Easy, kid." She laughed, heaving him to his feet, her eyes moving to Dina, who was staring at the backpack on her back, guns dangling from it. "Where's the fire?" 

"There isn't one," he frowned. "My school is doing a play, and I was wondering if you'd come. I'm a tree."

"When is it?" Ellie asked. 

"Tomorrow," 

Ellie felt her heart ache at the excited boy, bouncing on his toes, hopeful smile on his lips. 

"Oh, buddy, I can't." Ellie said apologetically, kneeling down beside him. "I'm just heading out for a supply run." 

"Oh," JJ frowned, look down at her feet. 

"Hey," Ellie whispered, taking ahold of his chin, bringing his face up to look at her. "I will bring you back all the cool things I find, and I promise I will be at the next play."

JJ nodded, forcing a smile onto his lips. "Super hero stuff?" 

"Of course." Ellie agreed, "And I just know you are going to be the best tree."

"I am!" he grinned, seemingly content. 

Ellie smiled, offering her fist for him to bump. "I will see you in a week, bud."

"With all the cool stuff," he smiled, and Ellie nodded, straightening. 

She ruffled his hair, making brief eye contact with Dina before turning to leave. 

"Ellie," Dina called, and Ellie glanced over her shoulder. Dina offered her a little smile. "Be safe."

Ellie nodded. "I always am." 

Dina scoffed at that, rolling her eyes in the playful way she used to. "Yeah, right."

Ellie smiled a half smile, giving a little nod before leaving. 

The patrol went surprisingly well, considering Ellie always seemed to attract trouble. 

There were a few hordes, a few people who attempted to rob them, but Ellie let them go each time, not wanting to slip into the person she had become, have that darkness overcome her again, especially since she had tried so hard to be better.

They managed to fill up their saddle backs with medication, medical equipment, electrical components, and seeds. And Ellie managed to find a stack of comic books, an old Spiderman DVD along with a Spiderman figurine. She also managed to find a movie called _Pitch Perfect_ , that she was sure Dina would like. 

She knew she shouldn't take up space with non-essential stuff but there wasn't a whole lot there anyway, so she excused it this time. 

She was glad Jordan was there, because she was one of the few people she didn't mind having a panic attack around, and who was able to talk her down, which she was able to do with her daily attacks. 

They made it back after nine days, after having to hunker down for a day due to a bad storm when they got to Idaho. 

She was dead on her feet when she got back, accepting the hug Jordan offered her giving her a tired smile when she told her she done good. 

Ellie put all of the things she had gotten for Dina and JJ in a backpack when she got home, writing their names on a note before sitting it on their doorstep, note tucked into the handle. 

\--

"He loves it," 

Ellie jumped at the sudden voice, having been staring ahead in a sleepy daze. 

"Hm?" 

"The toy, the comics, the movie. All of it, he loves it all." Dina said, moving to sit on the chair beside her. "You're turning him into a nerd like you."

Ellie scoffed out a laugh, tracing her fingers around the rim of her mug. 

"I was talking to Jordan." Dina said. "Well, she came to me. Said you were different then she remembered from when she used to do patrols with you before."

"Oh, yeah?" Ellie frowned. 

"She said you didn't hurt anyone, even helped people that tried to hurt you." Dina said, and Ellie could feel her looking at her. "I can see it, Ellie. Your- well, you're not the girl you were when you first got here, I don't think that's possible, but you don't have that hatred that you had for a long time after Joel."

"I still have panic attacks, and dreams, and these awful flashbacks." Ellie swallowed, pulling the sleeves of her hoodie down over her hands. "But I'm not  _ angry  _ anymore. I'm not angry with Abby, or Tommy, or WLF, because it is too toxic, too exhausting to feel that all the time."

"How do you feel about yourself?" 

"Oh, I'm angry with her." Ellie said, side eying Dina. "I kind of hate myself, but I'm working on that, too."

Ellie almost jumped out of her skin when Dina's hand covered her fabric covered one, her head whipping to Dina, who offered her a little smile. "I'm proud of you."

Ellie nodded, looking down at their hands. "Uh, how good of a tree was JJ?" 

Dina laughed. "He fell off the stage," she shook her head. "I'm convinced he somehow had contracted that clumsiness from you."

"Aw, God, was he okay?" Ellie chuckled. 

"Yeah, he wasn't even upset, he just stood up and swayed in the crowd."

Ellie laughed at that. 

"He was bummed you couldn't make it, but the stuff you got definitely made him forget about that."

"Have you watched the other movie?" 

"Not yet, I haven't really had time." Dina said, giving Ellie's hand a squeeze before standing. "I have to get to work, I just wanted to stop by and thank you."

Ellie nodded. "No problem."

"Bye, Ellie." Dina gave a tight-lipped smile. 

"Bye," Ellie really hated watching Dina leave. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think?  
> thatoneloser-kid.tumblr.com

Ellie was mid-conversation with Jordan one morning when she left a pressure against the side of her leg. 

Her eyes dropped to see a sleepy looking JJ leaning against her, his Spiderman action figure clutched in his hand. 

"You okay, bud?" Ellie laughed, playfully scratching through his curly brown hair. 

"M'sleepy," He yawned. 

"He is upset I woke him up early on a Saturday," Dina rolled her eyes as she came up alongside them, arms crossed. "But I have work so he has to go to daycare."

"I didn't use ta," JJ grumbled, and Ellie noticed the shift in Dina's eyes, and she knew why; her mother used to care for him. 

"Hey, JJ, can you go check the stables to see if Japan is awake?" Ellie asked.

JJ nodded, pushing his cheek off Ellie as he walked away. 

Dina frowned at her questioningly. 

"I can take care of him, if you want."

"You're not working?" 

"I just got done, I'm heading home now, so I don't mind taking him with me." Ellie offered. "I probably won't be able to do it all the time, if I'm on patrol or guard duty, but right now I'm on stable duty so I can take him with me."

Dina looked unsure, glancing toward the stables just as JJ exited. "Okay, sure."

Ellie couldn't hide her surprise, she hadn't expected Dina to agree, after Dina telling her plenty of times that it wasn't a good idea for Ellie to get close to JJ. 

"Really?" 

Dina nodded. "Look, I- you're trying, Maria said you're seeing someone to talk everything out, so you are making the effort to deal with this. I respect that, I'm proud of you for that."

"Oh," Ellie swallowed, eyes dropping to her feet. "Yeah, thanks." 

Dina nodded. "I don't know if it will be a regular thing, I will need to wait and see, but I need help, my dad isn't capable of caring for him, and Jesse's parents work, too."

“Japan is having breakfast,” JJ announced.

“Hey, buddy, do you want to spend the day at Ellie’s while I’m at work?” Dina offered, crouching down in front of her son, whose eyes widened in excitement. 

“Yeah!” He smiled, his eyes shining as he looked up at Ellie.

“How about we go home for a nap, then I can teach you how to make the best pancakes in this here compound.” Ellie offered with a little smile.

“I will be back just after dinner,” Dina said, lifting her eyes to Ellie. “Are you okay to feed him?”

“Of course,” Ellie nodded.

“Okay,” Dina nodded, pulling JJ in for a hug, kissing the top of his head. “Behave, okay?”

“Yes, momma.” 

“I was talking to Ellie,” Dina grinned cheekily up at Ellie, and Ellie felt her stomach flutter, her heart rattling against her chest. “I trust you to behave, buddy.”

JJ laughed softly, huffing when Dina tapped her cheek expectantly, but he eventually pressed a kiss there. 

“Bye, momma.”

JJ fell asleep on the sofa not long after they got in, Ellie barely getting half way through the comic she was reading, and Ellie headed upstairs to get some sleep.

Ellie was shaken away by JJ jumping on her bed, and while Ellie only managed to get a few hours sleep, she definitely wasn’t annoyed, playfully grabbing JJ and tickling him, before racing him downstairs.

JJ sat by the stove as Ellie made pancakes, the fluffy ones Joel had taught her how to make, after eating they headed outside, kicking the slightly deflated soccer ball around for a while.

They headed down to the stables afterward, Ellie teaching JJ how to properly pick the dirt from a horse's hooves, but mostly just to allow JJ to have fun with the horses.

Ellie had planned on watching a movie after that, but then JJ spotted her drawings littered all over the table, and his eyes lit up with that idea that  _ they  _ could make their own comic book.

Ellie really couldn’t say no to those wide eyes that reminded her too much of Dina.

So they settled on the porch, JJ wearing Ellie’s too big baseball cap that kept falling over his eyes, but he didn’t care because it had a rocket ship on it, Ellie drawing whatever JJ told her too, JJ trying his best to copy her, and after Ellie taught her a few tricks, he wasn’t awful.

Ellie got up to make dinner around five, making a little extra for Dina to take home with her, before heading back outside.

That’s how Dina found them, both lying on their fronts, huddled over a new sketch book, JJ settling for turning the cap backwards as they worked, empty plates off to the side.

“He could be immune. When he gets bitten, instead of dying he gets super powers.” JJ said.

“Okay,” Ellie hummed, writing that down. “And what are his powers?”

“Super good fighter, and super strong.” JJ frowned thoughtfully. “Oh, oh, and maybe control electricity.”

“Sounds good,” Ellie nodded. “We can change his outfit, then, give him more of an electric vibe.”

“What are you two doing?”

Both Ellie’s and JJ’s heads snapped up at the new voice, the cap falling over JJ’s eyes. Dina was leaning against the railing, a little smile on her face.

“Momma, we are making a comic,” JJ sprung to his feet, rushing to hug his mom before grabbing her hand and dragging her over. “Sit, we will show you.”

Dina looked like she wanted to argue, but, apparently Ellie wasn’t the only one unable to say no to him.

JJ explained everything, flicking through the pad to show the sketches of the potential hero, and explaining the world and his powers, and Dina listened attentively, smiling softly as JJ rambled on.

Ellie couldn’t take her eyes off of her. She looked a little tired, her hair pushed up into a half assed pony, that little curl that always seemed to fall out hanging down by her face. She was smiling a smile that Ellie hadn’t seen in years, that half, lopsided smile.

Ellie was still very much in love with this woman.

“And Ellie said I can draw the backgrounds, and she will teach me how to draw better.”

Ellie snapped out of it at the sound of her name, quickly turning her attention from Dina to JJ, who was staring up at her with a big smile.

“I’m just the lackey, I do as I’m told. This is all you, kiddo.” Ellie smiled, glancing up at Dina through her eyelashes, to see the girl watching her already.

“I wanna make a comic and give it to Pops,” JJ announced, bringing both girls' attention back to him. “I think Pops will really like it.”

“He will for sure,” Dina agreed, ruffling her son's hair. “Why don’t you go grab your things and we can head home, you need a bath, stinky.”

JJ groaned but done as he was told, clambering to his feet, Ellie and Dina doing the same, both moving to lean against the railing.

“Thank you, for today.” Ellie said, looking down at her hands as she fidgeted.

“I should be the one thanking you, surely.” Dina laughed, and Ellie shook her head.

“No,” she hummed, lifting her eyes to Dina. “I definitely should be thanking you.”

She noted the way Dina’s throat wobbled at that, her nostrils flaring in the way they would when Dina was trying to stop herself from crying.

“I, uh, I made extra food for you to heat up, saves you from making something when you're home.” Ellie said. “I will just go get it.”

JJ told her his ideas as she walked him out after grabbing Dina’s food.

“I’m working again tomorrow,” Dina said, staring down at the food in her hands. “If you’re free, I can drop him off at six.”

Ellie couldn’t stop her face from lighting up at that. “Yeah, that’d be awesome.”

Dina nodded. “Okay, bud, why don’t you give Ellie her hat back and we will head home.”

JJ pouted, but reached for the cap. 

“That’s okay, you keep it.” Ellie assured. “Maybe I can read you some stuff about NASA tomorrow.”

JJ agreed immediately, bouncing lightly on his toes. “God, he's a nerd like you.” Dina grumbled with a teasing little smug.

“Better than a drama queen like you,” Ellie shot back, and Dina chuckled.

Ellie really missed being the reason for Dina to smile.

“He can be both, so that’s fun.” Dina said. “Thank you, for looking after him, and for the food. I really appreciate it.”

“Any time.”

\--

It became a regular thing, Ellie caring for JJ while Dina worked, Ellie making extra food for Dina to take home with her. 

And at first Dina would just leave right away, but then she started lingering for a little while JJ told her about their day, then she started telling Ellie about her day, then she started asking Ellie about her patrols. 

And it was  _ nice  _ to just sit and chat without the anxiety of Dina potentially hating her. 

\--

Ellie sought out Dina the day before JJ's sixth birthday, finding her in the diner with her father. 

"Hey, I just wanted to check." She said, holding up a small bow she had spent months crafting. "I wanted to teach him how to hunt, or you could, someone could." Ellie twisted her ear nervously. "But I wasn't sure if that'd be okay with you, so I wanted to check, to give me time to make something new."

"This is beautiful craftsmanship, Ellie." Elijah said, taking the bow from Ellie, giving it a once over. The wood was a light oak, with a few sections of black paint, the black paint accented with silver spirals. 

"Thank you," Ellie smiled. "Joel taught me about woodwork when I was younger."

Dina took the bow from her father, smiling down at it. "I think that's a good idea," Dina agreed. "And this is beautiful, Ellie."

Ellie tried her best to suppress the beaming smile that was tugging on her lips. "Thank you. You keep ahold of it, give it to him tomorrow." 

Dina shook her head, handing it back to her. "How about you come over tomorrow? We don't do much but I know he would love your pancakes, then Pa is going to make cake. We are going to watch the superhero movies we have."

Ellie blinked in surprise, feeling her throat clench as she felt the urge to cry. "Really?"

Dina smiled softly at her. "Yeah," 

Ellie nodded quickly, her eyes dropping at her feet, her thumb rubbing her ear. "Yeah, that would be really cool."

"Cool, just come by when you wake up, he will be really excited to see you."

Ellie was giddy for the rest of the night. 

\--

JJ was happy to see her, throwing himself into her arms when he opened the door to her the following morning. 

"Come look, momma got me a dinosaur, like the ones in that book."

Ellie let herself be dragging into the living room where Dina and Elijah were sitting, both offering Ellie a little smile. 

"I have something for you, JJ." Ellie said, taking the bow she had wrapped in her jacket, offering it up to the boy. 

His eyes widened, tentatively taking it from her. 

"This is just like yours." he breathed, and really it was nothing like Ellie's other than it was a bow, but Ellie nodded anyway. 

"Ellie thought you'd maybe like to go hunting with her one day," Dina said, and JJ's eyes widened more, his head whipping from his mom, to Ellie, to his mom and back again. 

"Really?" 

"Yeah, we can teach you how to shoot."

JJ nodded, bouncing on his toes. "Thank you!" 

"You're welcome," 

"Now," Dina clapped. "I think I was promised pancakes."

Ellie smiled. "Yes, ma'am."

Ellie spent the day there, first making pancakes, then heading outside to play soccer, playing her guitar as Elijah barbecued them food.

Come eight JJ had crashed in Ellie's arms as Ellie read him a comic. 

Ellie sat for a short while, trying to ignore the fact Dina kept watching her over the top of her book, running her fingers through the boy's dark curls. 

After a while she slowly stood, telling Dina she would take him to bed. 

She tucked him in, staring tearfully down at the boy, because she could be doing this every night, this was her  _ son  _ a few years ago. 

She wiped her face before heading downstairs. 

"Thank you for today, it was fun." Ellie said, pulling on her jacket. 

"Are you working tomorrow?" 

Ellie shook her head as she fixed her collar. "I'm on patrol two days from now."

"Do you want to have a drink with me?" 

"I-" Ellie swallowed nervously, this would be the first time they had an interaction that didn't either evolve around JJ or happen in the boys presence. "You have whiskey?" 

"Of course, Pa loves the stuff." Dina rolled herself. "I don't understand it myself."

"You have awful taste in alcohol." Ellie said, and Dina flipped her off as she lead them out to the backyard, grabbing two glasses, the whiskey and her wine as they went.

They drank in silence for a short while, before Dina finally spoke up. "I forgive you."

It was so quiet that Ellie wasn't even sure she heard her properly. "What?" 

"I forgive you." She repeated. "I know you loved us, I know we were enough, but I also know you felt some weird obligation to get revenge for Joel. That hate you felt, it consumed you completely, I  _ saw  _ that, and Tommy certainly didn't help any."

Ellie watched her, a large lump forming in her throat. 

"I couldn't be with someone who would do anything for revenge, even if it killed her. I couldn't just sit at home and hope you come home." Dina sighed. "But I look at you now, and I see the girl I knew before, the girl I fell in love with. She's a little more battered, bruised, traumatised, but she's there, she isn't consumed by that hate, that darkness." Dina lifted her eyes to Ellie. "I  _ forgive you _ , El."

Ellie broke down completely then, first sobbing into her hands, then Dina shuffled closer, wrapping her arms around Ellie, letting her sob against her chest, Ellie's hands clutching Dina's shirt as she whispered that she was sorry over and over.

Dina just rubbed her back, whispering that she knew she was sorry, and that it was going to be okay. 

"Will you tell me about it?" Dina requested, not letting go of Ellie, even after she stopped trying. 

"Yeah," Ellie replied in a gruff voice. 

Dina listen as Ellie told her about what had happened, her journey to Santa Barbra, finding Abby strung up to a pole, attempting to drown her. 

"Then something just--I saw myself then. I saw the person I was, and that would not be a person Joel would be proud of. I saw you, and JJ, Jesse, everyone that had been hurt through this and I realised then that-" Ellie shrugged. "He killed her dad, Dina. She killed Joel because Joel killed her father. And I was going to kill her for the same thing. It was a vicious cycle, one that I knew would just- I couldn't do it. I couldn't kill her, he killed her father, to save  _ me."  _

"You wanting to make her pay is understandable." 

"So is her wanting to make Joel pay." Ellie murmured. "Pam, the woman I've been seeing, she showed me that good people can do awful things given the right motivation, but it is the ability of letting go of that hate, of understanding that an eye for an eye isn't a good mentality, that will show you what kind of person you are."

Ellie sniffed, rubbing her eyes with her sleeve. 

"I hurt so many people, I tortured Nora, I killed a pregnant woman, and I didn't feel bad because I thought I was the good guy." Ellie shrugged slightly. "But they would have thought  _ they  _ were the good guys, getting vengeance for what Joel did. And Joel would have thought her was the good guy for what he did."

"Maybe there are no good guys." Dina said. "Like you said, anyone can do awful things with the right motivation."

Ellie nodded. "I want to be better, for you, for JJ, for  _ myself." _

Dina smiled slightly, using her knuckles to wipe away Ellie's tears. "Well, that's the first step." she whispered. 

Ellie sniffed and nodded. "Uh, do you want to come hunting with us when I'm back from patrol?" Ellie asked. 

"That'd be nice," 

Ellie nodded, staring down at her hands with a little smile. "Cool," 

"Cool," 

  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the amazing feedback on this fic, you guys are the best!
> 
> thatoneloser-kid.tumblr.com

The patrol was relatively simple, check the outskirts, hunker down in a outpost and head home. 

What Ellie hadn't expected was for a little stray kitten to follow her after she fed him some deer. 

He was thin, a small fluffy black cat with ice blue eyes. 

Ellie immediately fell in love. 

After realising he was on his own, Ellie tucked him into the pocket of her jacket as she rode home, knowing exactly who could look after him. 

Dina had smiled when she opened the door to her, which was something Ellie was still getting used to. "Hey, everything okay?" 

Ellie opened her mouth to reply, but before she could a soft 'moew' sounded from inside her coat. 

"Uh, what the hell was that?" 

"You told me you used to have cats, and that you missed them," Ellie said, opening her jacket to show Dina the little kitten stuffed in the inside pocket. "He followed me to the outpost, I think he was the runt or something, but he's super sweet, and really loving, he kept rubbing his face on mine." 

Ellie plucked the animal from her pocket, holding it out toward Dina. 

"I thought you'd like him, if not I will keep him but I know you could care for him better, and I'm sure JJ would love him, too." 

"Ellie," Dina breathed, accepting the cat from Ellie, smiling when he licked her nose. "He's so cute, thank you."

"Sure. I've gotta go, Maria wants me to report back, but I can carve him a few bowls and stuff, maybe some toys."

"That's really sweet, Ellie. Thank you," 

Ellie nodded once, "See you around, Dina."

Dina was entirely focused on the kitten as she said, "Bye, Freckles."

Ellie felt her heart swell at the nickname, and at first Dina looked a little panicked, but then just offered Ellie a little smile and a parting wave. 

\-- 

The cat became an extension of JJ then, the boy would walk around town with the kitten wrapped around his neck like a scarf, and he would bring it to Ellie's whenever she was looking after him, he even tried to sneak him into school in his backpack, but Dina quickly caught onto that when his backpack started meowing. 

He was also upset Parker (named after Peter Parker) couldn't go hunting with them, but he was also giddy at the idea of learning how to use his bow. 

He was a natural, only needing Ellie's help for a short while, Dina watching from her spot on a log with a soft smile, and when Ellie glanced at her and she didn't look away, only smiling sweeter, Ellie thought for the first time since everything that maybe Dina did still love her. 

After a little practice with the bow Ellie began teaching him tracking. 

They stopped for dinner, sandwiches Dina had made for them, before tracking a deer. 

They didn't manage to get him, JJ was still a little heavy on his feet, but it was a good day nonetheless. 

JJ fell asleep against Ellie's back as Ellie gave him a piggy back home, probably drooling against the back of her shirt but Ellie didn't care. 

"He's so smart," Ellie said as she entered Dina's living room after putting the boy to bed. "I wonder who he gets that from." 

"Well, it certainly wouldn't be Jesse." Dina teased, watching Ellie attentively from where she was leaning against the back of the sofa. 

"You okay?" 

"Yeah, I just-" Dina shrugged. "I had a lot of fun today."

"Yeah, me too." Ellie leaned against the doorframe, putting a few feet between them. "He's a natural, give him a month and he will have no issues."

"Especially with you teaching him." Dina smiled. "I'm thankful, you know, for how you've been with him."

"It's no big deal," Ellie said. "I enjoy spending time with him, and I just want to show him all the things I enjoy."

"Still, you have really brought him out of his shell, he was quite a reserved kid." Dina admitting, "Which is wild, because you won't find anyone more reserved than Ellie Williams."

"He's a good kid," Ellie said, because she didn't know what else to say. 

Dina nodded, and Ellie could tell she had something on her mind, some thing she wanted to say, but she just stared down at her feet instead. 

"I'm gonna head out, it's getting late."

"Ellie," Dina's soft voice stopped her dead, but for some reason Ellie couldn't bring herself to turn around to face her. "I can't just jump right back into how we were, but I want to try friends, maybe dating, but I need to take it slow."

Ellie turned around then, a little shocked. "We can go as slow as you want."

"I forgive you, I trust you, I wouldn't have let JJ get as close to you as I have if I didn't, but I'm scared, I was heartbroken after everything."

"I can make that up to you." Ellie said. 

"No, that's not what I meant. I've forgiven you, Ellie, you don't have to make up for anything, I'm just telling you why I need to take it slow." Dina said. "I need to do this on my terms, for now."

"Of course," Ellie nodded. "Whatever you need."

"Whatever I need," Dina nodded. "How about a movie night? You, me, JJ until his bed time." 

"That's sounds nice," 

"Friday?" 

"Friday," Ellie nodded. 

"Cool," Dina said with a little smile. 

"Cool," 

\--

JJ had made cupcakes when Ellie showed up on Friday, grabbing her hand and dragging her into the kitchen.

Dina laughed as they passed through the living room into the kitchen, Ellie giving her a little wave. 

JJ practically stuffed one into her mouth, waiting for Ellie to tell him they were amazing before letting her go. 

"He is very proud of those." Dina commented when Ellie reentered the room. 

"They're good," 

"Pa helped him out, the whole place was a mess afterward, including JJ. He had cake batter all through his hair." Dina rolled her eyes. "It was a disaster."

"Sounds fun, though."

"Not if you're the one having to clean it up." Dina said. "How was your day?" 

"Yeah, okay, I was with Pam this morning." Ellie said, smiling when JJ came running back into the room, Parker on his heels, both jumping into Ellie's lap. 

Ellie groaned at the impact, "We're gonna watch superhero movies."

"I heard, I still haven't seen the Spiderman one, so I'm excited."

"That one first," JJ announced, pointing to his mom, then to the spot beside Ellie. "Sit."

Dina arched her eyebrows at JJ, who shied away. 

"Please?" 

"Better," Dina hummed. 

"You're in trouble," Ellie whispered, poking JJ's stomach. 

"Sh," JJ huffed, bouncing off the sofa to set up the DVD. 

Ellie made them dinner alongside Elijah, the man teaching her how to make borekas, a traditional Jewish pastry, while Dina sat at the dining table, colouring with JJ. Ellie was a little distracted, glancing over at Dina ever so often, and a few times Dina was already watching her, a little smile on her lips.

JJ fought sleep as much as possible, wanting to spend as much time with Ellie as her could, but come nine he was curled up against her side, Parker tucked against his chest, both asleep. 

Dina had taken him to bed not long after that, even if Ellie was more than content to leave him sleeping there for as long as possible. 

"Whiskey?" Dina offered as she walked downstairs. 

"Please," Ellie nodded. 

"How about we watch the movie you brought back, the singing one? I still haven't watched it." Dina said, moving to get Ellie a whiskey, and herself some wine. 

"Sounds good."

They settled at opposite ends of the sofa, which was stop odd to Ellie, because they had never been like this before, even when they first met, they were always super close, super touchy. 

Dina was yawning by the end of the movie, so Ellie stood, pulling on her jacket. 

"You're leaving?" 

"You are falling asleep over there," Ellie grinned. "You should sleep, you are working early tomorrow."

Dina nodded, rubbing her eyes sleepily as she stood, too, walking Ellie to the door. "Are you still okay to look after JJ tomorrow?" 

"Of course," Ellie nodded, turning to Dina when they reached the door. "Thank you for tonight, I had fun."

"Me too," Dina smiled, stepping forward to hug Ellie. 

Ellie was shocked at first, her arms hanging uselessly out to the side, making Dina laugh. 

"I know you know what a hug is, Doofus."

Ellie huffed out a laugh, wrapping her arms tight around Dina's shoulder, holding her firmly against her. 

The hug lasted longer than I probably should have, Dina's nose buried into Ellie's shirt as she took a deep breath in. 

"Okay," Dina whispered, pulling back. "I will see you soon."

"Yeah," Ellie nodded. "I'm out on Wednesday, I'm heading north for a supply run, I should be gone for about four days."

"Are we on for hunting on Sunday?" 

"How else are you gonna teach him snares?" 

"A yes or no would do fine, Ellie." Dina rolled her eyes, gently pushing Ellie's shoulder. "Goodnight, El."

"Goodnight," 

\--

The patrol hadn't gone as smoothly as the one before, and Jordan had almost been killed, but Ellie managed to patch her up, only coming away with a black eye and a fresh gash just under her eye. 

It had set them back a few days, making the patrol last a week instead of four days. 

Ellie helped Jordan to the medbay to be checked over, thought she was fairing much better now. 

Dina was working when she entered, Jace helping Jordan over to a bed while Dina appeared in front of Ellie. 

"Hey, yo-" Ellie was cut off when Dina took ahold of her chin, tilting Ellie's head to the side to get a better look at the angry looking gash on her cheek. 

"What happened?" 

"There was a family hunkering down in a mall." Ellie said. "They were just protecting their son."

"How did it end?"

"Me with a dope new scar and Jordan with a bullet in her side." Ellie said, "They're alive if that's what you're asking."

Dina brought her eyes to Ellie, maintaining eye contact for a short while before leading Ellie over to a bed. 

"I'm fine, Dina." She assured. 

"I still want to clean this," she ordered Ellie to sit, and Ellie knew better than to argue. 

Dina focused on cleaning the wound, even if it was scabbed over. "I don't think you are a bad person, Ellie."

"I know," Ellie murmured. 

"Are you okay? Just this?" 

Ellie nodded. "I got something for JJ, it's a cool game I found, I have the book and some dice, and a little figure for him to play as."

"What's it about?" 

"That's the thing, D, literally  _ anything."  _ Ellie said. "The book is just a guide, it has monsters and stuff, but  _ you tell the story _ ."

"Then how do you play?" 

"Okay, so, you make a character, the book gives you a template and examples, that the Dungeon Master comes up with a story and your character goes on that journey . But to do  _ anything  _ you have to roll dice, you get a one you fuck up whatever you are trying to do, be it climbing or trying to talk your way out of something, you get a twenty and you nail it." Ellie explained, and Dina just watched her with a smile. "I think JJ will really enjoy it."

"He will for sure," Dina agreed, "Are you going to come up with the story?"

"I've been working on one while Jordan and I rested." Ellie said. "I will let him create his own character."

"He will try to be Spiderman," Dina chuckled. 

"Unfortunately he can't." Ellie smiled. "You wanna join?" 

Dina tilted her head curiously. "Ya know, I just might."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the seconds last chapter I think, I am really grateful for all the nice comments you guys have give, I have really enjoyed writing this fic.
> 
> Thatoneloser-kid.tumblr.com

It was a night after hunting that they sat down at Dina's kitchen table with the Dungeons and Dragons book open, JJ staring wide eyed at all the pages. 

JJ settled for a male wood Elf ranger while Dina went for a female tiefling cleric. 

It took them awhile to get I to the swing of it, especially since they had to share the one set of dice, but after an hour they were completely immersed on the game, both JJ and Dina staring at Ellie attentively as she spoke. 

JJ ended up accidentally staying up way past his bedtime after they lost track of time. He kissed both girls on the cheek before trudging sleeping upstairs. 

"I can't believe how nerdy that was." Dina laughed, a little yawn escaping her lips.

"You loved it," Ellie shot back, turning to look at Dina when they reached the door. "I saw how into it you were."

"I just liked watching you tell a story, don't you dare make out I'm as nerdy as you, loser."

Ellie rolled her eyes, a little smile on her lips. "Whatever you say, Dork." 

"If anyone finds out I'll know who it came from," Dina narrowed her eyes at Ellie. 

"My lips are sealed," Ellie pretended to lock her lips. "No one will ever know that Dina is a closet nerd."

Dina glared at her for a short while, shaking her head. "You're lucky your cute," 

Ellie ignored the way her heart thudded at those words. "Would you beat me up if I wasn't?"

"One hundred percent," Dina grinned crookedly at her. 

"I think I would at least get a slap in," 

Dina laughed, shaking her head as she knocked Ellie's shoulder. "Get out of here, Williams."

"Goodnight, Dina."

Dina smiled, looking almost thoughtful for a second before taking a step toward Ellie, and Ellie had expected a hug, but froze when Dina planted a lingering kiss on her cheek. "Night, El."

Ellie nodded dumbly, like some teenager with a crush, cleaning her throat. "Right, yeah. Night, Dina." 

Ellie's stomach was in knots as she headed home. 

\--

Dina had to stay late at work one night, something about an ambush on a patrol and a few of their people needed surgery. 

Not that Ellie minded, that meant spending more time with JJ. 

By ten JJ was asleep on her chest on Joel's old chair, Ellie plucking her guitar, playing one of the songs Joel had taught her.

_ I can't count the times _

_ I almost said what's on my mind _

_ But I didn't _

_ Just the other day _

_ I wrote down all the things I'd say _

_ But I couldn't _

_ I just couldn't _

_ Baby I know that you've been wondering _

_ Mmm, so here goes nothing.  _

Ellie sung lowly so not to wake JJ, who snuggled closer to her chest. 

_ In case you didn't know _

_ Baby I'm crazy 'bout you _

_ And I would be lying if I said _

_ That I could live this life without you _

_ Even though I don't tell you all the time _

_ You had my heart a long, long time ago _

_ In case you didn't know _

_ The way you look tonight _

_ That second glass of wine _

_ That did it, mmm _

_ There was something 'bout that kiss _

_ Girl it did me in _

_ Got me thinking _

_ I'm thinking _

_ One of the things that I've been feeling _

_ Mmm it's time you hear 'em _

Ellie lifted her eyes when she heard boots scuff the wood, her eyes landing on Dina, who was watching her with a sweet, tired smile. 

"Hey," Ellie spoke softly, setting her guitar on the porch, her hand landing on JJ's back as she stood. "Everything okay?" 

"I, uh-" Dina shook her head, her eyes falling to her feet. "We lost one of them, he was only eighteen, it was his first patrol."

"Shit, I'm sorry," Ellie frowned, reaching out to rub Dina's upper arm. 

"It's just rough when we lose one," Dina sighed. 

"Can I walk you home?" Ellie offered. "I know you are super weak and could never carry JJ."

Dina gave a little smile. "I've carried you plenty of times," Dina shot back. "But yes, that would be nice."

Dina told her all about her shift, and the ambush, and what their next move was to deal with the people who were lingering on the outskirts of the city. 

When they reached her house Ellie took JJ to bed, heading downstairs to see Dina sitting on her sofa, face in her hands. 

"Hey," Ellie breathed, sitting down beside her, placing a hand on her back, rubbing small circles. 

"Sorry, I know we did everything we could." Dina leaned into Ellie's side. 

"That doesn't mean you don't get to be upset, it's rough losing someone, especially so young." Ellie said. 

"His mom, god, having to tell his mom." Dina shook her head, her face pressed against Ellie's shoulder. 

"I'm sorry," 

Dina shook her head. "Uh, what was that song before?" 

"It was something Joel taught me," Ellie shrugged. "I just--I dunno, I felt like singing it. It's the first time I've felt like singing in a while, usually JJ coheres me into it with those puppy eyes." 

Dina lifted her eyes to peer up at Ellie, who grinned. 

"I know who he gets that from." 

"Yeah, you, you big dumb puppy." Dina laughed, straightening as she wiped her face. 

"Hey! I'm a regular sized dumb puppy, you're just small."

" _ I'm  _ average sized, you're a beanstalk." 

"I don't think that's true, but whatever helps you sleep at night, Tiny." Ellie laughed when Dina went to punch her shoulder, but she quickly hopped up and out of the way. "You always were the slower out of the two of us." 

Ellie grinned, but the grin didn't last long because Dina was on her feet in a flash, pushing Ellie against the wall, her hands either side of her shoulders. 

"So I'm the slow one and the weak one, what did I have going for me, Freckles?" 

"Uh," Ellie's mind was blank for a few seconds, the close proximity of Dina throwing her completely. "You definitely got the looks and the smarts." 

"So, I'm the brain, you're the brawn?" Dina grinned, pushing herself away from Ellie, taking a few steps back. 

"Exactly," 

Dina nodded. "I'll take it."

"You wouldn't have a choice, it's the truth." Ellie smirked. "I need to get to bed, I'm up early for guard duty tomorrow."

"Where are you?" 

"North Gate, it should be an easy shift."

"You should know better than to jinx it like that."

Ellie laughed pushing herself off the wall and heading for the door. "Goodnight, Tiny."

"Goodnight, beanstalk."

\--

"All quiet?" 

Ellie startled at the intrusion, almost falling backward off the chair she had been teetering on the back legs of, but Dina's hand planted firmly on the back, stopping her. 

"Jesus, D," Ellie huffed. She had honestly been half asleep, because a patrol had just left through North Gate, and she knew no one would show up for another few hours. 

"On high alert, I see." Dina laughed, holding up the package she had in her hand. "Sandwiches." 

"You brought me lunch?" Ellie tilted her head at Dina. 

"I had nothing to do today, JJ is at school, so I thought I'd make you lunch." Dina shrugged, moving the food away from Ellie. "But I'll just keep it."

"Hey, no, I woke up late and didn't have time for breakfast." Ellie snatched the food from Dina, who laughed. 

"How's your shift been?" 

"Boring," Ellie shrugged, unwrapping the food. "A patrol left to check zone four, they should be back by dinner. Couple'a deer, but everything has been quiet. What've you been up to today, other than feeding me?" 

"Honestly, completely mundane things. Cleaning the house, gardening, I finally got around to painting the fence in the backyard." Dina said. "Sometimes I miss patrols."

"Have you been on any since you've been back?" 

Dina shook her head, unwrapping her own sandwiches. "I hadn't been outside the walls until we went hunting." Dina said. "I miss it sometimes, the excitement, but that's just on days like this, when I'm on my own."

"I get it, I enjoy the patrols I've been doing, because it gives me the chance to get out, but I'm glad I'm not doing them as much as I was before." Ellie said. "One a month for me is plenty."

"Yeah, you're getting old, El." 

"At least I'm not looking old," Ellie shot back, grinning at Dina who laughed, punching Ellie's arm. 

"Fuck you."

A silence settled over them, and for the first time since Ellie got back, her stomach wasn't twisted with anxiety, or worry, because Dina sought her out, she brought her lunch. She wanted to be around Ellie, she wasn't forced because of JJ, or Ellie. 

"Do you want to come over for dinner tonight?" Dina offered.

"I have fresh deer if you want to come to mine?" Ellie said. "JJ too, of course, we can play D&D for a while."

“Okay, we will stop by around five, give you time to shower after you shift.” Dina grinned behind her sandwich as she murmured. “You sure need it.”

Ellie let that one slide.

\--

JJ didn’t even bother to knock, barreling into Ellie’s house -Parker hot on his heels-, ignoring his mother scolding him in favor of hopping into Ellie’s waiting arms. 

“I wanna have a pet cat in D&D.” He announced, and Ellie nodded, setting him on the counter beside the cooker.

“Can do, buddy.” She agreed, turning back to the sizzling food, glancing over her shoulder at Dina, who was leaning against the doorway, a little smile on her lips. “There is wine in the fridge if you want some.”

Dina did, pouring herself some wine, and pouring Ellie some whiskey, setting both on the table before making her way over to the stove, leaning against the counter beside JJ, running her hands through his curly hair. “You need a haircut, buddy.”

“I can do it,” Ellie offered. “I used to cut Joel’s hair, why do you think it looks so shoddy when we stopped talking.”

Dina eyed her for a second, and Ellie figured it was more due to the fact Ellie could talk about Joel without breaking down.

“Who’s Joel?” 

“JJ-” Dina started, but Ellie smiled.

“Well, he is actually who you are named after, in part.” Ellie said, her eyes moving to Dina, who nodded slightly. “How about I tell you all about him over dinner?”

JJ looked a little confused, but nodded anyway.

Ellie told JJ all about Joel over dinner, telling him all about how they had met, and how he had protected her, and taught her how to be good even if he wasn’t entirely good himself. She told him about the museum, which she promised to take him too. About how Joel taught her how to play guitar, andJJ made Ellie promise to teach him when his little hands were big enough. 

She even told him about Joel dying (not  _ how  _ he died, that would be too much) and how Ellie was in a bad place after that, but she was doing a little better now (JJ clambered onto his knees to give her a little kiss on the cheek when he noticed how sad she seemed then, Ellie had to look away to prevent the young boy from seeing the tears in her eyes).

She answered all of his questions, about before she got to Jackson, about Joel not being her real dad (she let Dina answer JJ’s questions about his own father). She showed him a photo of Joel and Sarah, and a photo of herself and Joel. JJ stared wide eyed at the photo of young Ellie.

“You are so little here,” He said, looking from the photo, to Ellie and back again.

“You wanna see a photo of your momma and I when we were that little?” Ellie asked, and JJ nodded quickly.

“Okay, you take the dishes into the kitchen and I will go get it.”

JJ agreed, stacking up the dishes and heading for the kitchen while Ellie headed upstairs, Dina just sitting at the table watching the two of them go, idle sipping on her wine.

JJ looked baffled at the photo of fifteen year old Dina and Ellie. “Wait, you knew momma before you got here?” He asked with a little frown, looking up at Ellie, who looked to Dina, panicked.

“Ellie and I were close, but Ellie had to go away for a while.” Dina explained. “Ellie used to be a huge pain in my butt, just like you are.”

Both Ellie and JJ tutted. “Am not,”

“Was not,” Ellie argued at the same time as JJ, making Dina grin, arching her eyebrows at both of them.

“Yeah, right.” She rolled her eyes.

“Hey, JJ,” Ellie leaned closer to the boy, mirth shining in her eyes, which made Dina narrow her eyes. “I think, between the two of us, we could totally overpower your momma with tickles.”

Dina was on her feet in a second, putting the chair between herself and the duo. “Do  _ not,  _ Ellie Williams.”

“You go one way, I go the other, we can trap her.” Ellie said, and JJ grinned up at her, going left while Ellie went right.

“I swear to god, I will beat both of you up.” Dina said, backing up away from the table.

“I think we could take her, what’d you think, JJ?”

“I’m super quick,” JJ nodded, and both he and Ellie launched toward Dina, who scampered backward toward the stairs, but the sofa slowed her down and Ellie managed to get an arm around her waist from behind.

“No, Ellie, put me down!” Dina ordered, her voice laced with a laugh as she was picked up.

“Sorry, I’m under orders. JJ is in charge here.” Ellie teased, holding Dina in front of JJ, who immediately started tickling his mother's sides.

Dina wriggled in Ellie’s grip, pushing softly at her son's head in an attempt to push him away. “Okay.  _ Okay,  _ you both win.”

JJ grinned triumphantly at Ellie as they fist bumped , Dina lightly kicking Ellie’s foot as she walked away, causing her to stumble slightly. “You’re turning my son against me.”

Ellie just grinned, turning to back peddle toward the kitchen, holding her arms out in a ‘what you gonna do’ gesture. “Sorry I’m cooler than you.”

“You  _ are not.” _

“She is, momma.” JJ said.

“ _ Ha _ ,” Ellie smirked.

Dina just flipped her off.

They played for a short while, until JJ was yawning, then Ellie ended the game, even with JJ’s arguments that he  _ wasn’t even tried _ as his heads lolled to the side.

They settled on the sofa to watch a movie, JJ falling asleep almost instantly, his head on Dina’s lap as she ran her fingers through his hair, his legs over Ellie’s.

“You guys can crash here tonight, if you want.” Ellie offered at the end of the movie. "You and JJ can share the double bed, I can take the single in the spare room." 

“Only if you make me breakfast in the morning,” Dina teased, her head leaning back against the back of the sofa, staring over at Ellie with sleepy eyes.

“Breakfast in bed if you’re nice enough to me.” Ellie shot back, her head fluttering in her chest when Dina chuckled, her eyes closing for a short while.

“I shouldn’t be this happy,” Dina whispered, opening her eyes to look at Ellie. “When you left that night I promised myself that I wouldn't give you the power to hurt me again.”

Ellie maintained eye contact, even if talking about things like this still hurt.

“But that’s just not feasible, that power never went away. I spent every night convincing myself to  _ stop. _ That you were going to die out there, I needed to get over you, but I couldn’t let it go.”

“I know you said you forgave me for everything, but I’m still struggling to forgive myself.” Ellie admitted. “I did so many horrible things, and I know. I know it isn’t that black and white, in a world like this there are no good and bad, good people can do horrible things with the right motivation. And I know I hurt people before all of that, after I left the fireflies with Joel, but they were trying to hurt us.”

Dina listened attentively.

“I was so mad after Joel, watching those people act so  _ happy  _ about having killed someone. I lost myself in Seattle, I lost myself in this obsession of avenging Joel, like that's what he wanted, and maybe it was who Joel  _ used  _ to be, he used to be a missionary. But he changed, he only hurt people who he thought deserved it, and he was wrong on so many occasions, including Abby’s father, but he wasn’t a bad guy, he didn’t deserve to be murdered like that.” Ellie felt her throat close up, but she pushed through. “I hurt so many people, Dina. Nora, and that pregnant lady, I almost got  _ you  _ killed, I got Jesse killed. I wanted to kill Abby, it was all I thought about after getting back, then Tommy came to us with Abby on a platter, putting it all on me, avenging Joel, Jesse,  _ him _ . I felt like I couldn’t say no.”

Dina’s hand found Ellie’s, which was resting on JJ’s leg. “First of all, me getting hurt, Jesse dying, Tommy getting hurt, Joel. None of that was on you.”

“Yes, yeah. I know, I just can't help that guilt.” Ellie swallowed, “The guilt of surviving, it is something I have felt since that day at the hospital.”

“With the cure?”

“Mm,” Ellie nodded. “I just- I wish they had killed me, they had gotten the cure, at least I would have  _ mattered _ , my life would have meant more than this. I think I always knew Joel was lying to me about what had happened, but to hear him say it, I was so angry. Funny thing is, I didn't even hate him, I wasn’t even  _ angry  _ at him. I just felt so incredibly guilty, I could have  _ helped  _ people, and I took that out on him.”

Ellie moved her eyes to their joined hands, wrapped her own tightly around Dina’s.

“I’m still no good at talking about this shit, so that probably made no sense, but I’m trying.” Ellie nodded, turning her eyes to Dina, almost pleadingly. “I’m trying to be more honest with you, I'm trying to help you understand that I take full responsibility for what happened, and I am trying to better myself.”

“I believe you,” Dina breathed, nodding slowly. “I can see it, I see how you’ve dealt with everything, faced it head on. I saw how you were able to talk about Joel with  _ joy  _ again, instead of pain.”

Ellie nodded with a little smile. “Pat helped me- I dunno, she said rewire my brain, whatever the fuck  _ that _ means.” Dina chuckled softly. “She helped me associate Joel with all the great memories we had, not just that last memory.”

“That’s really great, Ellie.”

“When it all happened, I couldn’t draw him properly, I couldn’t draw his eyes, for some reason that hurt too much. The same thing happened with you after I left, Jesse, too.”

“Now?” 

“I can draw Joel, and Jesse.”

Dina eyed her carefully. “Me?”

Ellie lifted her shoulders in a little shrug. “You still hurt too much, I think. I haven’t forgiven myself for what I did to you.”

Dina nodded, smoothing her thumb over Ellie’s knuckles. “Can I do anything to help?”

“I think this is something I need to work through on my own.” Ellie said with a little smile. “But thank you.”

Dina just smiled at Ellie, giving her hand a little squeeze. 

"Come on, I'll help you upstairs with him, get you clothes to wear."

Ellie scooped JJ up, lying him on the bed before moving the closet to grab a pair of sweatpants and a vest top, as well as a sweatshirt, knowing how cold Dina got. 

"I can bring breakfast up to you in the morning," Ellie offered, tentatively setting the clothes beside Dina. "Still want your eggs scrambled?" 

Dina nodded, setting the clothes on her lap, smoothing them out. 

"Okay. Night." Ellie turned, barely getting a few steps when Dina spoke up again. 

“Ellie?” Ellie turned back to Dina, who was sitting on the edge of the end. “For what it’s worth, I’m so glad you weren’t killed that day in the hospital. Your life matters; to me, to JJ, to Joel. If what she said is true, if he changed after meeting you, you change him, and that _mean' something_.”

Ellie smiled, her head bowed, hand on the doorknob., her eyes burning with tears 

"You're only saying that because of my cooking." Ellie teased, not turning around, but she heard Dina laugh. 

"Sure, Freckles." She hummed. "I was thinking about having a bonfire for Pa's birthday next month, if you're off will you come?" 

"Of course," Ellie nodded. "I've being trying to get better at woodwork, I made him a stand for his guns, but I don't know it is any good."

"He will love it regardless." Dina said. "Goodnight, El." 

Ellie was more than happy to be woken up by a bored JJ jumping on her bed, giving Dina the chance to sleep in before taking up breakfast. 

Dina smiled a slow, sleepy smile, her hair mused, as she entered the kitchen midway through Ellie making breakfast. 

"Momma, no!" JJ gasped, holding his hands up as he shook his head. "You have to go back to bed, we are bringing breakfast to you."

"I just smelled the food and heard you two losers singing, I couldn't help myself." Dina said, moving her eyes from her son, perched alongside the stove, to Ellie, who was openly staring at her, a little smile on her lips. "Hey."

Dina sounded a little breathless, a little shy as she wrapped her arms around herself, drowning in Ellie's to big sweatshirt. 

"Hi," Ellie knew she sounded breathless, and she knew Dina could tell, so she quickly averted her eyes, focusing intently on the eggs. "Tea? I made some recently, hibiscus, it's kinda good."

"Sure."

Ellie nodded, nudging JJ lightly. "Wanna go set the table, Spud, this shouldn't be long."

The boy hopped off the counter immediately, but Ellie froze, she hadn't meant for the name to slip out. 

She glanced back at Dina, who looked a little pained, but quickly pulled a smile onto her lips. "Spud? Haven't heard that in a while."

"Yeah, I- sorry, I didn't mean-" 

"It's fine, it's just-" Dina shrugged, moving to stand beside Ellie, staring down at the food as she spoke quietly. "It just hurts sometimes, I guess."

She was close, her shoulder against Ellie's back, and when Ellie looked down at her shoulder could see her breath disrupting the little baby hairs on Dina's hairline. 

"I'm sorry," 

Dina nodded, pressing her cheek and nose against Ellie's upper arm. "I know."

"Do you wanna go somewhere in a few days? A camping thing, the three of us." Ellie asked, offering a hopeful little smile when Dina tilted her head to look up with her. "It's not far, JJ'd be fine with the walk, and I'm gonna check it out tomorrow, make sure it's clear, but it was the last I was there. And I think he'd really like camping, and hunting for his food."

"Okay," Dina hummed. "Where?" 

"That's a surprise, but I think you'll like it. I know JJ will." 

"El," Dina groaned, taking a step backward when Ellie gave her a soft little nudge, before plating up the food. "I  _ hate  _ surprises."

"I know," Ellie gave her a little smirk, motioning to the plates. "You wanna take those out, I'll get our tea." 

Ellie sorted their drinks, setting Dina's tea down in front of her, and JJ's OJ in front of him before sitting down beside Dina, across from JJ. 

"Did you tell Ellie about Lola?" Dina grinned as she took a bite of her food, and JJ huffed. 

"Momma!" 

"Hang on," Ellie gasped. "Who is Lola?" 

"My  _ friend,"  _ JJ glared at his mom. "From school." 

"Friend he says," Dina rolled her eyes dramatically, nudging Ellie dramatically. "But he said she is pretty."

"I said I liked her hair." JJ argued. "It was pink and blue." 

"That is pretty cool," Ellie hummed, nodding slightly. 

"But that's  _ it _ ." JJ huffed, stabbing is fork into his food, grumpily letting his cheek fall against his palm

Dina looked smug, and Ellie leaned in a little closer to whisper. "You are an instigator."

"I need to make my own fun," Dina shrugged, giving Ellie a little wink, before tucking into her food. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the final chapter, I hope you like it!
> 
> thank you for all the kind comments on this fic, I really appreciate it!
> 
> thatoneloser-kid.tumblr.com

"Hey, Maria," Ellie greeted, coming up alongside the woman in the diner. "Do you know where Tommy is?" 

"You gonna hold a knife to his throat again?" Maria arched an eyebrow at Ellie as she took a sip of her drink. 

"I actually wanted to apologise for that. And just… talk." Ellie shrugged. "Where would I find him?" 

"No idea, kid. Try his place, if he isn't there, try Joel's grave."

Ellie nodded, hoping he was at home, because she didn't want to have to talk about this over Joel's grave. 

He was at home, swinging the door open and swaying forward, Ellie pressing her hand against his chest was the only thing that stopped him. 

"What do you want?" He grumbled. 

"To talk," Ellie said. "Are you drunk?" 

"Go away, Ellie."

"No, we need to talk. Joel wouldn't have wanted this."

"No, Joel would have wanted  _ you  _ to do right by him, by me, by everyone that girl hurt."

"What about the people we hurt?" Ellie levelled her eyes on Tommy, stare cold. "What about Nora, who I tortured and left to  _ turn,  _ or that pregnant lady, or all of those soldiers who were just doing their jobs?" 

"They brought that on themselves." Tommy snapped, turning to head back inside, hand braced on the wall. Ellie followed close behind him. "They tortured Joel."

"And you know what Joel did."

Tommy wheeled around then, finger pointed at her, and Ellie could tell he was fuming. "He would be so ashamed of you, Ellie."

Ellie slowly shook her head. "He took away the cure, he killed Abby's father." Ellie argued. "He didn't deserve to die, but neither did any of those people."

"They murdered my brother."

"I know, I loved him, too."

Tommy scoffed. "You weren't even talkin' to him." 

"Yeah, and I will hold that regret with me forever, I missed so much with him because of that, but what I was feeling was justified, he lied to me." Ellie sighed. "I can't keep doing this, Tommy. That blood lust, that need for revenge, it destroyed me. It was all I could think about, getting back at her, for Joel, for  _ you _ . But I realise now that it wouldn't have helped, even if I had killed her. I really think if I  _ had  _ gone through with it I would have lost myself completely, I don't think I would  _ be  _ here if I had."

Tommy just drank some more of his whiskey. 

"I was drowning her, then I remembered something Joel said to me," Tommy looked entirely uninterested. "He said; 'the thing about vengeance, kid, is that shit blackens your soul. You might feel better at the time, but weeks, months after it eats away at you, the fact you took a human life for your own gain'." 

That made Tommy frown, probably because of the Joel he knew in the beginning of the outbreak. "He said that, did he?" 

"Yeah, we were talking about his past, the person he  _ was."  _ Ellie said. "He wouldn't have wanted either of us to go after those people, and I don't know about you but I am going to be struggling with what I did for the rest of my life."

Tommy looked down at that. 

"I shouldn't have blamed you for me giving up the life I had, I  _ wanted  _ to go after her, but you putting the pressure on didn't help. I felt like I had to redeem you, Joel, Jesse. I kept seeing Abby with a knife to the woman I love's neck, I was so fucking angry, so lost, so when you came to me with the opportunity, I jumped at it." Ellie said. "So, I'm sorry, for what I said. I know it's hard, I keep seeing it happen, I still haven't forgiven myself for not  _ helping him _ , so I  _ get it _ . But holding all this shit in, it'll destroy you, Tommy."

Ellie turned to leave. 

"You knew him better than any of us." Tommy said, and Ellie stopped walking. "I lost my brother when we went our separate ways, I saw how dark he was becoming and I left him."

"That wasn't him, not toward the end." Ellie said, with a little shake of her head. "I know the darkness you're talking about, I seen it a few times, but that wasn't him, he just wanted to sit on his porch and play guitar, and have movie nights, and woodwork."

"Do you want me to apologise?" 

"No," Ellie shook her head. "I want you to look after yourself, Tommy. Joel would hate to see you like this."

Ellie left without waiting for the man to reply. 

She managed to make it home on shaky legs before having a panic attack in the comfort of her own bedroom . 

\--

They headed out early Tuesday morning, JJ with his bow slung over his chest, just like Ellie would. 

The walk went without issue, and JJ managed to swim his way through the short waterway in between them and the museum. 

Ellie helped him up out of the water, but stood in front of him. 

"Ready?" 

JJ gave an excited nod, rushing past Ellie when she moved aside, a little gasp escaping his lips when his eyes landed on the huge dinosaur. 

Ellie smiled wide when JJ looked between the T-rex and Ellie, over and over, eyes wide in wonder. 

"You can go closer," Ellie said, and JJ took off running, as Dina came up alongside her, hand wrapping around her bicep as she leaned against her. 

"What is this place?" 

"A museum," Ellie said. "It's really awesome inside, a load of dinosaurs, space stuff."

JJ was equally as excited, if not more so, when they entered the building, running around all over the place, unsure of where to put his attention first. 

When he calmed down enough, they went from skeleton to skeleton, Ellie telling him facts about the dinosaur, even mentioning the argument she had with Joel about velociraptors. JJ made her promise to watch the dinosaur movie they were from when they got back. 

Ellie teared up when they headed upstairs and the hat was still on the brachiosaurs, feeling her chest tighten ever so slightly. 

Dina seemed to notice, her hand clutching into her upper arm, rubbing slightly. She looked confused but didn't ask, just giving her a little smile, telling her it was okay. 

Ellie managed to pull herself together enough to tell JJ about that dinosaur, but her voice cracked slightly as she explained why it was wearing a hat. 

"Hey," Dina whispered as JJ took off downstairs again, getting one last look at everything before they moved on. 

Ellie leaned back against the railing, arms crossed in a feeble attempt at self comfort. 

"Are you okay?" 

Ellie nodded, allowing Dina to pry her arms apart, opting to grip onto the railing instead. "Yeah, sorry, I didn't wanna upset JJ."

"No, that's fine. It can't be helped, sometimes." Dina waved her off. "I wanna know if  _ you  _ are okay?" 

Ellie nodded slowly. "I'm getting better with a lot of things, it's just--that," Ellie jabbed her thumb toward the hat. "Felt too real, I guess? I don't know, it's dumb-" 

"Hey," Dina cut her off, her fingertips brushing away the tears that had apparently slipped down Ellie's cheeks, her hands settling on Ellie's neck. "It's not dumb, trust me. I understand, it's the little things. I could look at photos of my sister, talk about her, but a few years after it happened I found the book she had been reading, the bookmark still part way through, and that broke me."

Ellie sniffed, staring down at Dina. 

"You can't expect to get better and always be better. This isn't a one and done kinda thing, you're gonna get bad sometimes, you're gonna have panic attacks, you're gonna cry. So long as you don't regress into the person that dark time made you, then you are doing amazing." Dina said, giving Ellie a little smile.

"You should take Pat's job." Ellie joked and Dina laughed, softly batting Ellie's shoulder before taking a step back. 

JJ was in awe of the space section, to the point he just stared all wide eyes until Ellie nudged him toward the Planet feature. 

JJ gave each of them a helmet before clambering into the drop module, pressing all the buttons and making the noises Ellie had. 

Ellie turned to Dina, holding a hand out and nudging her head toward the opening. 

"Don't you want to go in?" 

"I've been in, you go."

Dina nodded, taking Ellie's help as she hopped inside, settling in the seat. 

Of course, Ellie remembered the cassette tape and player, giving it to JJ, who closed his eyes, a large smile on his face. 

Ellie found herself watching the two of them, Dina's focus on JJ, a smile on her lips at how happy her son seemed to be. 

Ellie felt her chest heat up when she realised  _ she  _ was the reason they were both happy. She was making Dina  _ happy again.  _

Then Dina tilted her head back, her eyes crinkled, her smile growing when she looked at Ellie. 

Ellie was a little overwhelmed by it all, but in the best way possible. 

They decided to hunker down on the section just outside the space section, that looked over to the other section of the museum.

Thankfully, JJ didn't ask to go over there. 

They started a fire after catching food, JJ rambled the whole time, every so often heading back inside to just look at everything again. 

Ellie had found a guitar downstairs (she wondered if someone had been here since her and Joel, or if it had been there and they just hadn't noticed), and JJ begged Ellie to play a few songs. 

JJ wasn't the only one watching her, though, Dina staring at her with a look very reminiscent of the look she had given her that time in the music store. But now she was older, her face a little more weathered but equally as beautiful, her face lit up with a soft orange glow of the fire. 

So, even after JJ fell asleep, Ellie didn't stop playing. 

"Play one of your favorites." Dina requested. 

Ellie nodded slowly. "This was one'a Joel's favourites, too."

Dina nodded, resting her chin on her knees as she watched Ellie. 

Ellie took a breath, before she started picking the chords, she licked her lips before she started singing, her voice low, a little flashback of her a Joel sitting around a campfire one time, and he sang her this song. 

_ Country roads, take me home _

_ To the place I belong _

_ West Virginia, mountain mama _

_ Take me home, country roads _

_ All my memories gather 'round her _

_ Miner's lady, stranger to blue water _

_ Dark and dusty, painted on the sky _

_ Misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye _

_ Country roads, take me home _

_ To the place I belong _

_ West Virginia, mountain mama _

_ Take me home, country roads _

_ I hear her voice in the mornin' hour, she calls me _

_ The radio reminds me of my home far away _

_ Drivin' down the road, I get a feelin' _

_ That I should've been home yesterday, yesterday _

Ellie's voice trailed off, but she continued playing the chords, lifting her eyes to Dina, who was watching her with a look Ellie recognised. A look she would be on the receiving end of when she would nerd out when they were teenagers, or when she protected Dina on patrols, or the first day they stood in front of their fully renovated farmhouse, Ellie having spent  _ months  _ fixing it up. 

Love. Dina was looking at her with that same look of love she had all those years ago. 

"Remember that day you sang for me, in Seattle?" Dina asked, and Ellie nodded slowly. "I said you should have kissed me that day by the fire, and you said you wanted to?" 

Ellie swallowed thickly, voice gruff. "Yeah?" 

Dina's eyes dropped to her mouth. "You can do it now," 

Ellie's eyelashes fluttered, and she felt almost breathless, like the force of those words had winded her. "Are you sure?" 

"I am," Dina nodded. "We can talk more about it when we get home, but one thing I'm sure of is that I want to try this again."

"I'm probably going to fuck up again," Ellie said, setting the guitar aside. 

"That's kinda just Ellie being Ellie, I knew you were a moron when I first started liking you." Dina grinned that infuriatingly charming crooked girl. "I know what I'm getting myself in for, Ellie, and I'm not choosing to do this lightly, I hope you know that." 

"Just--please don't have too high of an expectation of me. I'm still struggling."

"All I ask if that you stay with us, that we communicate, that we help each other. That's  _ it _ , I don't expect anything else from you."

Ellie nodded, her tongue peeking out to wet her lips as Dina's hand found her cheek, guiding her closer. 

Then they were kissing, and it was so heartbreakingly familiar and everything Ellie had missed. 

Then Dina smiled against her lips, her hand hooking around the back of Ellie's neck as she pulled her in closer, her lips parting ever so slightly. 

And Ellie felt like she was on fire. 

"Mm," Dina hummed as they parted. "Solid eight."

Ellie huffed out a laugh, punching Dina's shoulder. "Fuck off, loser." 

They ended up zipping their sleeping bags together when they settled down for the night.

JJ insisted on having one last look around the following morning after breakfast before they headed home.

\--

Elijah found her on her porch a few days after they had gotten back. Ellie know they hadn’t exactly been subtle about the fact they were teetering on the edge of getting back together, or maybe they were? Ellie wasn’t entirely sure at this point, but she didn’t think they were obvious enough for people to notice this quickly.

Ellie smiled at the man as he reached the top of the stairs. “Hey,”

“Hey, busy?”

Ellie shook her head, placing her mug down on the table. “I’m working in a few, but not right now.” Ellie answered. “Is everything okay?”

Elijah nodded. “I just wanted to have a chat.”

“Oh,” Ellie frowned. “Okay, can I get you a coffee?”

“That would be good, thank you.” 

Ellie nodded, an odd feeling of anxiety bubbling in her chest as she stood -Elijah had never been this formal with her-, shuffling past Elijah, who had moved to sit down, and into the house. 

He wrapped his hands around the mug when Ellie handed it to him. 

“Everything okay?”

“Mm,” Elijah hummed as he took a sip of his coffee, giving an appreciative little groan. “Where do you get this stuff?”

“Joel had started growing the stuff, just before.” Ellie explained. “I’ve kept it up, I used to hate the stuff, but it has grown on me.”

Elijah nodded. “And how are you holding up? With everything?”

“Better,” Ellie said. “I still have nightmares, panic attacks, but I’m better at dealing now, I think that’s about as much as I can expect.”

Elijah nodded again, and they sat in silence for a short while, both just sipping on their coffee and watching people as they headed to work.

“You know I think you’re a good kid, Ellie.” Elijah started, and that sentence alone sent Ellie’s anxiety through the roof. “I like you, you always put my girl first, I know you would do anything for her.”

“I would,”

“But I'm sure you can understand why I am apprehensive about you guys getting back together.”

Ellie nodded, looking down at her mug, feeling like a scalded teenager, before she forced herself to square her shoulders and look at the man, being timid wasn't going to get her anywhere right now.

“I understand. And I can’t even imagine the pain I must have caused her when I left, and the danger I put her in to begin with. I lost myself in trying to get vengeance for Joel, I was reckless, as soon as I found out she was pregnant we should have come home, that would have stopped her being hurt, Jesse dying.” Ellie swallowed. “But I felt like I had to do for Joel what he had always done for me. And I know, it is a twisted sense of love, to feel like you have to murder people to do good by someone, but I realised that was never what Joel would have wanted. He wanted me to be happy, and I have never been as happy as your daughter makes me.”

“I believe that,”

“I love her,”

“I know that,” he said with a little smile. “I didn’t get to give you the shovel talk the first time around, I thought I would jump at the chance now.”

Ellie laughed at the man's playful little grin.

“Just don’t hurt her like you did before, Ellie.”

“I won’t,”

Elijah nodded, and a silence settled over them again, this time comfortable.

“You’ve gotta give me some of the seeds you use for this stuff.”

“I have an extra plant, you can have that one, I can plant more.” Ellie offered.

“Mm, keep this up and you might just become my favourite daughter.”

Ellie’s heart swelled at that.

\--

“I can  _ feel  _ you thinking,” Dina murmured, sitting in between Ellie’s legs as she played Uncharted. “What’s going on?”

“Do you, uh, maybe wanna come to a session with me? With Pam?” Ellie questioned, prompting Dina to pause the game, setting the controller on the coffee table as she turned to Ellie. “I mean, she said it might be a good idea, ya know? She said it would be good to have an open line of communication or whatever.”

“I think we’re doing better than we used to in regards to communication,” Dina said, and Ellie nodded.

“Right, of course, I just thought I would ask.”

“ _ But, _ ” Dina grinned at Ellie. “I think it is a good idea.”

“Okay, cool.” Ellie nodded, she wasn’t sure if she had been more anxious about Dina agreeing or disagreeing.

“Cool,” Dina hummed, tilting her head up enough to place a lingering kiss to Ellie’s lips.

\--

The session with Pam went way better than Ellie had expected, which was dumb, because this was Dina, how could she expect it to go anything but great.

They both came out of the session feeling a little better about the security of their relationship, their future, and Ellie let herself be a little giddy about it, after refraining from getting her hopes up.

\--

Ellie had somehow managed to stumble across a few books on jewish holidays and Judaism littered around the dilapidated house she and Jordan were currently searching through. She brought them home and set about whittling a menorah out of wood. 

It was a little shoddy looking, a little crooked, but after she had painted it, etching a star of David into the front, it looked passable.

She kept it a secret until December tenth (which was the first day of Hanukkah that year according to the book her had found, which contained the first days of Hanukkah until 2050), setting up the menorah just before sundown, just before Dina came over for dinner and movies with JJ.

Dina noticed it immediately, a little frown appearing on her face as she looked between it and Ellie. “What’s this?”

“A menorah,” Ellie started second guessing herself. “Right? I remember you saying, then it was all over the books I've been reading, is it the wrong thing?”

“No, no. It’s the right thing, I just-” Dina trailed off, shaking her head slightly.

“I thought it would be nice to celebrate Hanukkah this year.” Ellie slowly stood, heading JJ banging around in the front room. “I don’t know for sure if it started today, a book told me it did, and I don’t know if i am over stepping, if I am tell me, but-”

Dina cut her off with a kiss, making Ellie stumble back against the table, a little squeak of surprise bubbling in her throat.

“I- uh- I guess I haven't overstepped?” 

Dina shook her head, her fingers stroking the back of Dina’s neck. “It’s perfect, thank you.”

Ellie nodded. “I managed to pick up things here and there, to give you guys over the eight days.”

Dina tutted. “El, you don’t have to do that.”

“I know, but I did, so shut up.” Ellie gently shoved Dina away. “Go get JJ, he can light this, I also have a whole bunch of books to give him, ones for kids about being Jewish. Those ones were super helpful for me.”

Dina laughed as she went to grab JJ. “You always did prefer picture books.”

JJ bounded in a few minutes later, flashing Ellie a big smile before clambering onto a chair, then into the table.

“I know you are supposed to recite something before you light this, but I have no idea what those are.”

“I do,” Dina said. “I can recite them, if you want.”

“Okay,” Ellie nodded. “Dinner should be ready afterward, and if JJ promised to set the table and clean the dishes, I will give him his gift  _ before  _ we eat.”

JJ’s eyes lit up, and he agreed immediately.

JJ was happy to light the Menorah, and Dina recited the blessings, and it was nice. Ellie wasn’t a believer, but she could see how it calmed Dina, and that was calming to her.

Ellie headed upstairs to grab the first round of gifts.

JJ was sitting impatiently when Ellie walked downstairs, his eyes lighting up when he spotted the children sized guitar in Ellie’s hands.

“Here you go, Dina.” Ellie pretended to hand Dina the guitar, drawing an audible gasp from JJ, making both women laugh. “Kidding, here.”

JJ bounced off his chair, gently taking the guitar from Ellie. “Thank you!” he hugged Ellie before rushing back into the living room, butchered notes following him.

“This is going to be a nightmare, you better teach him quick.” Dina warned.

“I’m a fantastic teacher,” Ellie rolled her eyes, looking down at the palm sized wooden coin she was holding. “Here, it isn’t much, but-”

Dina accepted the coin; one side with a dove holding an olive branch, the other with the same symbol that was on the bracelet Dina had given her, the bracelet she still wore.

“A dove and olive branch,” Dina breathed, running her thumb over the etched design.

“Yeah, the books I read said this was an important symbol; apparently it means peace, but they also used it as a way of showing how Jewish people won't be cast off, or something.” Ellie rubbed the top of her ear nervously. “I mean, I understand if you don’t like it. If you don’t I probably shouldn't give you father the one I made him. Or if I’ve miss read the books and this is offensive then punch me.”

“Ellie,” Dina’s hand found Ellie’s cheek, halting her rant completely, and Ellie noticed then that Dina’s eyes were tearful. “It’s perfect, thank you.”

Ellie took a breath and nodded. “Okay, cool.”

Dina rolled her eyes at Ellie, pulling her in for a soft kiss. “God, you are insufferably sweet sometimes, Freckles.”

“I will go plate up dinner, we can eat it with a movie if you want to go set it up.”

\--

They had a rhythm over the next few days, one that Elijah joined on day two, he would stay for dinner before leaving, but Dina spent the night there each night.

They celebrated Christmas in town with everyone else, even Tommy, who joined them in the diner, though he didn’t talk much.

Ellie considered this the first step.

She and JJ spent a lot of time in the snow, Dina watching them from the porch, but more often than not ended up joining them. They moved all of Ellie’s art stuff, and Joel’s old woodwork stuff to Ellie’s old room out back, before turning that room in JJ’s bedroom.

JJ told Ellie all of the things he wanted sketched and drawn on his walls; a mix between super hero stuff, animals, space, and dinosaurs, even helping Ellie paint it after it was all sketched on the surface.

Ellie made honey covered apples on New Years eve, panicking when Dina cried when she brought them out, but relaxed when Dina assured them they were happy tears.

Ellie had been periodically going back to the farm house, maintaining the place,  _ just in case.  _ She didn’t want to be too presumptuous, she knew that place probably held a lot of bad memories for Dina, so she might not want to go back, but, if anything, they could give it to JJ when he was old enough.

She was happy, and for the first time in years she was content, she wasn’t constantly anxious about her future, about Dina deciding she wasn’t worth the hassle of the screaming nightmares and the panic attacks, but Dina was patient, giving her the space she needed while making sure Ellie  _ knew  _ she was always there for her.

Ellie was  _ happy _ , and she was still working on not feeling guilty about that sometimes, but she knew Joel would want her to be happy, he would be happy for her if he seen her now.

That was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think?
> 
> thatoneloser-kid.tumblr.com


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